The Quaid Ispeaks

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear patriatic jernails af Pakistan, this is your Quaid ispeaking. Dear jernails, we isloot the services that you have undertaken to help the peepil affected by filoods outside the gireat Port City. If it was nat the case, masses af istrange istrange peepil firam interior Sind would invade Kiranchi. This would disturb the ethnic harmony that the Mutahidda has established after istrenuos efforts with electric dirills and gunny bags. More...

To,

Dear Brother,

I write to you as a brother, as you have been granted the temporary guardianship of this realm by the Almighty, till the Tehrik  e Taliban (Binnori,Waziri, Mehsudi group) is ready to take over the reins of the government. I write to you in the name of the unity of the Ummah and the forthcoming Khilafah of God on earth. This resurgent and everlasting Khilafah will be appointed by God and myself. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Meray Aziz Hamwatno,

Mullah Mullen is my best friend. He is the Commander of the Faithful and Amir of Momineen and Mominat. He is the Caliph of Islam, just like Mullah Omar was before him. Mullah Omar was also my best friend. He may yet be the Caliph again. I therefore keep his ba’yat and get him his snuff from the bounteous province of Hindukush. More...

People of Birmingham, Lend Me Your Ears

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Welcome to this launch party of Chairman Bilawal Bhutto Zardari. Many of you have been on launches in the past after paying large amounts of money to Greek human smugglers. You are all hard working people. The motherland is proud of you. We are very grateful for the money you send to Pakistan. It keeps the country going and pays for the essentials of life such as this trip. I can assure you that your money is safe in numbered Swiss accounts and no enemies of the people from the Supreme Court can ever lay their dirty hands on it. More...

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Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

Friends and Countrymen,

Lend me your ears.

The faeces af Inglush medium schools are going up. Most peepal in Pakistan Peepal Paty can nat ford them. But if we have to survive and make pragress, we must lurn Inglush. Otherwise we will nat have highly ejucated shriek chairmans and secty journals like me in future. I have decided to give faree tewshun in classical language and litrature, in Choona Mandi Metropolitan Univarasty, af which I have decided to become the Vice Chancellor.  More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

It has been said that a degree is degree, whether you have bought it from the back of a truck or from a bona fide, professional forger registered with the Higher Education Commission. If I were you, I would not buy university degrees any more. I would buy a university, which, now a days is as cheap and much better value for money.More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Most respectfully I beg to submit my apology to the esteemed Supreme Court of Pakistan. I am sorry that I was not able to come up with the name of the first chapter in the Holy Book. I now know that it is the Objective’s Resolution. More...

Justice Iftikhar of the Lahore High Court has struck a blow for democracy. He has granted a bail before arrest to the selfless civil servant and policeman par excellence, Rana Maqbool Ahmed, formerly of Sind Police department and currently in charge of public prosecution in the Punjab.

This kind-hearted and mild mannered gentleman has always put duty before personal benefit and national service before self interest. However has never given any quarter to the enemies of the state and has always been unflinching and steadfast in upholding the rule of law. More...

Peepil of Kiranchi unite. You have nothing but your necks to lose. We have come far. The journey that we istarted in the pharmacy department, has culminated in the gornamint of United taking over the gireat Port City. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Welcome to the annual general meeting of the Shura. We especially welcome our Taliban desk brothers from the International Sensitive Agency, who are also the permanent members of the Supreme Council. We will have video messages from Mullah Brother and Mulla Qayyum Zakir who can’t be here tonight because of prior engagements in Attock Prison. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

You think that peepal sitting in parliayment are all nin cum poops. All peepal sitting in the sapreem coat are fountain houses of wisdom and journal knawledge. MNAs have fake degrees. Has any bady looked at the degrees af the sapreem coat? Are they all janwin? If you like to be the la maker, you shud fat the lection. Then you can make the la and no worry bout the ejucation af la makers. But it is the peepal who decide whether to lect you ar nat. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The Home Minister has held a press conference. He says that role of RAW in Lahore attacks cannot be ruled out. There can hardly be any doubt the scheming Hindus are working day and night to destabilize the Two Nation theory. First of all they took Kashmir. Now they are shutting down our rivers. The worst blow is that they would not let our boys play in the IPL. This and the vicious attack by Indian composers on Atif Aslam is all you need to know to understand the seriousness of the challenges facing the nation. More...

God does not normally communicate with politicians these days. There are people who claim to be directly in communication with God. They are more likely to be found in long stay psychiatry facilities. If they are unlucky, and happen to be in Pakistan, they will be charged with blasphemy and dragged through courts. Not infrequently, they will be lynched by religious fanatics. More...

Popular Myths

By: Hakim Hazik

It is a popular myth that Pakistan is an ideological state. This is a translation of ‘Nazria e Pakistan’. This is usually taken to mean that Pakistan was created so that the Sharia law can be implemented and that would solve all our problems and return us to the pristine glories of early Islamic Empire. This is a false and a dangerous notion and has already caused untold damage. The ‘Ideology of Pakistan’ is a mortal threat to the existence of Pakistan. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The place of Muslim women is inside the house. It is the duty of men to supervise over them, to provide them with food and look after their well being and security. They are responsible for the provision of niqab, abaya, burqa, jilbab, chastity belts, handcuffs, shackles and other devices of women’s liberation. More...

مکتوب از برادر عبداللہ

صدیقِ محترم، اخِ مکرم جناب نواز شریف صاحب

مابدولت، صاحب السمو، جلاللۃ الملک، اولوالامر فی مملکۃ النفتیہ کی طرف سے سلامِ مسنون و مشروع قبول کیجیے۔

آپ کی عرضداشت موصول ہوئی۔ یہ سن کر ہمیں مسرت ہوئی کہ آپ مملکتِ خداداد میں خیریت سے ہیں اور فوجی جبر و استبداد اور مرکزی ادارہِ محصولات کی پہنچ سے دور پابندِ شریعت زندگی گزار رہے ہیں۔ باری تعالیٰ سے دعا ہے کہ وہ آپ کو فوج کی دسترس اور وفاقی محصولات کی دستبرد سے محفوظ رکھے اور رزقِ حلال و مطہر سے کما حقہُ متمتع کرے۔ آپ پر اپنی نوازشات کی بارش کرے اور سیارہ جاتِ بی ایم ڈبلیو اور ہیلی کوپٹرِ ایم آئی سترہ، مبریٰ از محصولِ درآمدی سے فیضیاب کرے۔

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By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Punjabi Oxen,

Gireetings firam Iscatt Road, near Edgware Road. Muttahidda is on the roll. The march af the lower and midil cilass peepil is unistoppable. In the eleven years that we have been in power in Kiranchi, we have tiransfarmed the city. We have built ismart ismart highways and iskyways. We have built tunnels and biridges. Now, an average Chipa ambulance can whizz thirough the city, pick up body parts after suicide attacks and biring them to Jinnah Hospital in no time at all. Quicker than it takes us to istab Zardari sahib in the back. Quicker than it takes to say midil cilass revolution More...

We don’t need bread, we need ideology.  We don’t need a country, we need a religion. We don’t want our children to go to school, get qualifications and live in prosperity. We want them to go to the madrassa, learn to recite the qaida with gentle rocking movements, become pious servants of the Ummah and explode in street corners. More...

غزوہِ ہند وچین

از: حکیم حاذق

عزیز نوجوانو،

تمہاری نسل وہ نسل ہے جو اسلام کے قلعے پاکستان کے دامنِ عافیت میں پل بڑھ کر جوان ہوئی ہے۔ لیکن اب وقت آ گیا ہے کہ تمہارے دین کی سربلندی کی خاطر تمہارے سروں کی فصل کاٹی جائے۔

خیاباں میں ہے منتظر لالہ کب سے

قبا چاہئے اس کو خونِ عرب سے

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[عشق اللہ سائیں جاگیا]

سمہ سٹہ ریلوے سٹیشن تے

میں کوں آپ اللہ سائیں ٹکریا ہئی

میں ٹکر کھاندا بیٹھا ہم

بھر پیالہ ٹھڈے پانی دا

او آپ میرے کول آ گیا ہئی

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Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

When Shriek Chairman gives his tongue, he keeps pass of it. Those small small peepal who cuse him af nat keeping pass, should look inside their own shirt callar. Naoo you tell me, why did Miansaab throw a tantrum? Why did he cuse Shriek Chairman of being danger to damo cracy? Did Zia ul Haq come in his dream and pramise janat ul firdaus? Did Zia ul Haq come in his dream and pramise Tahira Syed?

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کوئی ھور اَساکوں آکھو ناں

از: رفعت عباس

تُساں رَب صندوق اِچ ڈَھکیا ھِے

 اَساں جَندرا بَھن کےگِھن ڳئے ھَیں

 ھُن چور اساکوں آکھو ناں

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خط بنام برادر عبداللہ

از: حکیم حاذق

خادمِ حرمین شریفین، جلالۃ الملک،عزت مآب، برادرِ محترم جناب ملک عبداللہ صاحب،

اپنے عاصی و گنہ گار بھائی کی طرف سے سلامِ عقیدت قبول کیجیے۔ میں اور آپ کی بھابی یہاں خیریت سے ہیں اور آپ کی صحت کے لیے ہمیشہ دعا گو ہیں۔ شہباز صاحب بھی خیریت سے ہیں اور محبی فیلڈ مارشل کیانی صاحب سے اپنے اہم اعضاء واگذار کروانے کی کوشش کر رہے ہیں۔ خدائے بزرگ و برتر انہیں اپنے نیک مقاصد میں کامیاب کرے اور انہیں اپنی نیک نیتی پر اجر دے۔ آمین

بنی آدم اعضاءِ یک دیگر اند

کہ درآفرینش ز یک گوہر اند

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از: حکیم حاذق

منشی ہر گوپال تفتہ کے نام

کاشانہِ دل کے ماہِ دو ہفتہ، منشی ہر گوپال تفتہ،

جنابِ من، جنابِ باری کے حکم کے مطابق فقیرِ عاجز باغِ رضواں سے روانہ ہوا اور بسبیلِ جہازِ خلائی و ہوائی واردِ ہندوستان ہوا۔ فرودگاہِ پالم میں نزول کیا۔ لیکن صاحب یہ وہ دہلی نہیں جس میں عمرِ عزیز تمام کی تھی۔ جہاں پر ریختہ کی استادی میں نام پیدا کیا۔ جہان فارسی میں شعر ہائے رنگ رنگ کہے۔ جہاں پرشاہِ دیندارِ تیموری اور جہاندارِ نیکوکار انگریزی کے قصیدے لکھے۔ جہاں پر تم جیسے احباب کے ساتھ تعلقِ خاطر تھا۔ مسلمانوں میں جو ذوقِ علم رکھتے تھے، کب کے ملک بدر ہو چکے۔ جو باقی بچے وہ متاعِ اردو سے ہاتھ دھو چکے۔ صاحبانِ عالیشان انگریزی کب کے جاہ و جلالِ مُلک و حکومت کھو چکے۔ ہندوستانِ فلک نشان کے حصے بخرے ہو چکے۔

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تعویذ دافع بلیات

المعروف بہ

ملفوظاتِ گُربہِ ملّت

[تمغہِ امتیاز،ستارہِ بسالت]

از: حکیم حاذق

حضرت گربہِ ملت، قطّہِ امت، خانوادہِ مخابراتیہ کے ایک جلیل القدر بزرگ ہو گزرے ہیں۔ سلسلہ مخابراتیہ بین السروِسیہ، [حساسیہ] میں آپ کو امام العصر تسلیم کیا جاتا ہے۔ اہلِ دائرۃُ المعارف، المعروف بہ آئی بی، آپ کی تعظیم و تکریم میں غلو کرتے ہیں اور بسا اوقات احتیاط کا دامن ہاتھ سے چھوڑ دیتے ہیں۔

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ملفوظاتِ شریفِ مکہ

از: حکیم حاذق

تعاون بشکریہ،

ذوالنّون مصری

[ترجمانِ خصوصی، مسلم لیگ نون]

لاہور کی خاکِ پاک عرشِ منور کے برابر ہے۔ بیسیوں بزرگانِ عالیشان اس خاک میں آسودہ ہیں۔ حضرت شریف الاشراف، گیسو دراز اسی ارضِ مقدس کے فرزندِ ارجمند ہیں۔ حضرتِ ایزدی کی یہ ہم سب پر بے بہا نوازش ہے۔

ہو حلقہِ یاراں تو بریشم کی طرح نرم

رزمِ حق و باطل ہوتو فولاد ہے مومن

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از: حکیم حاذق

آپ سلسلہ عالیہ جرنیلیہ کے نہایت جید بزرگ تھے۔ آپ کے جد امجد زمانہ ما قبل از تاریخ میں ماورا النہر سے حلقہ ۵۵ تشریف لائے۔ یہ وہی نہر ہے جس پر نہر والی حویلی واقع ہے۔  اور یہ وہی جدِ امجد ہیں جو آج کل بعبور دریائے شور، ماورا النہر الٹیمز، ایجویر روڈ پر محوِخواب ہیں۔ آپ کی درگاہ مرجعِ خاص و عام ہے۔ مرحوم سماع کے بے حد شوقین تھے۔ کئی مرتبہ خود بھی طبلے پر سنگت کرتے تھے۔ آپ ہی کے مرقدِ پُر نور میں روشن خیال اعتدال پسندی بھی دفن ہے۔

خاک میں کیا صورتیں ہوں گی کہ پنہاں ہو گئیں۔

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تزکِ جہانگیری

از: حکیم حاذق

سریر آرائے سلطنتِ ہندوستان، ظلِ الٰہی، صاحبِ عالم، صاحبقران، شہنشاہ نورالدین محمد جہانگیر بدر، ایم  اے پولیٹکل سائنس، ایل ایل بی پنجاب، اب ایک پریس کانفرنس سے خطاب فرمائیں گے:

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By: Asif Raja

HRH the Queen

Any Royal Abode

UK& the Independent Territories.

Dear Ma’am

Skipping the usual banal apologies and health enquiries, I fully trust that the royal mail will make sure that you get this letter. Being the head of our great country I do realise that your duties which we all know that come before all and sundry even family takes you far and wide to meet with your humble and loyal subjects. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother,

Do you seriously think that you can talk to the infidel Americans and the running dog Karzai while sitting in the citadel of Islam and enjoying the peace and prosperity of the city of Karachi? Do you think you can carry on behind our back while partaking of prime quality snuff, provided courtesy of the International Sensitive Agency? More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Seldom in the history of the true faith has so much been owed by so many to a single true mujahid. He was driven by the fire and the zeal of the true faith. He knew the value of freedom. The trials and tribulations which would have shaken a lesser man, only served to strengthen his faith in the all powerful, the all knowing Free Market. He also knew that the real rewards await the true mujahidin in the world hereafter. He knew that the rewards in this world including prime quality Columbian cocaine, count for nothing. He was the one stalwart who resisted the onslaught of the infidel Russian juggernaut in the tradition of Imam Shamil. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Maharashtra ij for Marathi Manoos only. If Shah Rukh Khan is fand of his Pakistani brathers he should go and lieuve in Pakistan. There, he will find many Khans, with whom he can pilay kirkit or other games popular in that race. He can sing a duet with Maulana Lakhvi or record a monsoon scene with Hafiz Saeed. Oui will paratect Mumbai against enemy infiltrators such as Shahid Afridi and Rahul Gandhi. More...

Dear danny zens of Lahore shpecially zens, I am writing your faram the durbar of Lahore with Shriek Chairman sitting on the takht of Lahore. As always, I am spoating him. I am the most impatant mimber af his paty. I carry the weight af the hole paty on my strang shoulders. I share the burdens af his leadership by carrying them myself. This brings a smile to the face of the Shriek Chairman and sometimes tears to his eyes More...

Dear Subjects,

It is with great pleasure that we welcome you to the establishment of the House of Islam, the Haven of Peace, the Caliphate of God and the State of all Muslims and people in covenant. This, my brothers, is the Holy Commonwealth of Khorasan. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

This splendid ship has dropped anchor in the port of Gawadar. No, no I do not mean any of the celebrated TV presenters, who are all here, flown first class, courtesy of tax payer and IMF and put up in the excellent Intercontinental hotel. More...

Letter from Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Nawaz,

We are in receipt of your kind missive and your Christmas card, please accept our greetings and of our subjects on this auspicious occasion. We were pleased to know that you are partaking of the blessings of the Almighty in the holy borough of Southall. There are indeed many rewards which await the faithful; those who stand firm in face of the trials brought on them by the Almighty and those who eschew heretical and dangerous notions such as liberal democracy More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother,

Please accept our greetings for the festive season from the holy land of South Hall. This is a bastion of the Ummah and a safe haven for the faithful in the Increasingly Islamic Republic of Inglistan. I would urge you your majesty to break your auspicious journey at Lahore Karahi, when you next travel to the blessed land of Marbella. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

This is a live transmission from the Mehsud International Airport, formerly Benazir International Airport, formerly Islamabad International Airport. Our most honoured guest, his Excellency Mullah Abdus Salam Zaeef, the special representative of the Caliph of Islam, Mullah Mohammad Omar will shortly disembark from his donkey cart. Two children dressed in traditional attire and suicide jackets will present him bouquets of flowers. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The infidels will try to snuff out the lamp of truth but their hollow and empty breaths will be useless. Due to the hypocritical and faithless policies of our leaders, due to the conspiracies of Hindu, Zionist, American, Qadiani, Buddhist, Baha’i, Kharji, Inuit and Blackwater lobby, our tribal areas have been transformed from citadels of world jihad to killing fields of drone war. This has all been made possible due to NRO, which has allowed our leaders to become willing tools in the hands of Zionist, imperialist, Brahmin, and secular communists. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

I think so that Afzal Sindhu’s brain has gone falty. He is saying that I have eaten bribe fram Sui’s Suthren Gas. He is saying that Shriek Chairman has money in Suiss Bank.  I am saying to you, fram A to Z, it is a lie. No no, I don’t mean that brather AZ is a lie. He is af course the Shriek Chairman and the pazident af the nation, and I am his best brather and chief dvisor. I spoat him and he spoats me. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The first mouth watering tranche of American greenbacks is about to arrive. O, the intoxicating smell of freshly minted dollars, from the perfumery of the Federal Reserve Board. How our diligent ministers have waited for this manna from heaven. This ransom will many coffers fill. The mansions, the farmhouses and the bank accounts will be filled to the brim with prosperity and good cheer. More...

The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Pilease come and visit my madest ibode in the Mill Hill area. It is worth an ismall sum of one million pounds. It is the philosophy of Muttahida never to cirave luxury at the expense of poor and midil cilass peepil. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

‘From the drinking of camel milk and eating of lizards, the bloody civilian has reached a stage where he dreams of the throne of Kayani. Woe betide the day it happens.’ (Firdausi)

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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I have covered my head, carefully concealed my skin exposure, folded my hands and visited the shrines of Great Sufi saints including Hazrat Bari Imam, Hazrat Allama Iqbal and Hazrat Ashfaq Pervez Kayani. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Some say it is Paradise Lost. Some say it could have been Paradise Lost. It wasn’t in the end because she switched sides at the last minute. Some say it is a fool’s Paradise. They are the biggest fools themselves. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Long years ago, we made a tryst with destiny. We paid two billion dollars for it. The time has come to redeem that pledge and take delivery. In a star studded ceremony in Dallas, the Air Chief Marshall was handed over the first batch of the F16 aircrafts. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

Naoo taak. Look what flower Kiyani has caused to bloom. I was thinking the wits of the fauj had come back to their place, after eating beating by Taliban. Nat so. We have all eaten fraad. You can bury the dog’s tail for one year or farty years, it will not become satraight. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear audience,

Thanks for giving me the pleasure of your company and of your hard earned dollars. I can assure you that the thousand dollars per head that you have paid through your nose to have the privilege of being present here this evening, is money well spent and offers great value in these days of economic crisis and problems with cash flow. More...

Justice Denied

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

It is only because of people like Ghulam Ahmed Bilour that the Ummah has been able to overcome the conspiracies hatched by the Qadiyanis, the Hindus and the Jews. Bilour Sahib has endeared himself to the nation and in particular the denizens of the city of Peshawar, by showing in his cinema, movies with a very improving moral content. This has transformed the outlook of a generation of young people and turned them into great defenders of the faith and of Musarrat Shahin. More...

Letter from Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

All praises and salutations are for the One who rules the New World Order without let or hindrance and mostly without a partner. The One who controls the vastness of the skies and the depths of the oceans. The One whom we rely on to protect our just rule. The One who is the Lord of the Earth and the Master of Dhahran airbase. The one who gives sustenance to the 7^th fleet and to the Central Command. It to the US of A that we turn to and seek help from in our hour of need. More...

The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear members af the rabita kimaitee, dear members of the Muttahida nation, this is your Quaid ispeaking. Pilease accept my gireetings for Ramzan. The cat is out of the bag. This is no ardinary cat. This one is a retired birigadier. This is nat the istandard issue gunny bag firam Muttahida. This is the bag of tiricks firam the ISI. More...

Letter to Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Abdullah,

The former brother and former patriot, Baitullah Mehsud is dead; more dead than the Patriot ABM missile. He was felled by the Predator missile, fired on the orders of brother Barak Husain Obama and requested by my special brother and the president of the nation, my late Sister BB’s last and the most precious gift to the Ummah, Brother AA. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

What what rubbish the media will perdoos. Now Mr Jaswant Singh Saab is saying that Kaday Yazam Mumd Ali Jinnah was nat the Father af the Nation. I am asking him, if he was nat the father af the nation, was he a Phupha of the nation? And who was the father af the nation then anyhow? Mraja Ranjit Singh? Shah Faisal? Barak Sain Bama? More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik 

August 14, 2009. Pakistan has survived another crisis. Today when Pakistanis across the length and breadth of the country were joyfully celebrating their 63rd independence day, a heinous attack took place on our fundamental national values. As a result, the situation of public order in Nawab Shah suddenly took a dire turn More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I live in London, Inglistan. This is the heartland of Ummah. There are many members of the Ummah Club. I have been here the longest. I have the largest number of cases against me in law courts, most of them murder cases. Other mimbers incilude General Tinpot and Short Cut Aziz. We aften sit together and compare notes. More...