Eid With Idi Amin

August 15, 2014 at 10:34 PMAdministrator

Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

Ya Akhi,

 

We are in receipt of your missive and the dromedary which is in the prime of youth and no doubt, is the pride of her race. She camels and women should be protected from the vagaries of time and the harshness of elements. They should be kept in protected stables and harems and provided tender grass and loving care. We thank  you for your tribute. Jazakallah. More...

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The Ides of the Long March

August 15, 2014 at 10:29 PMAdministrator

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

Ya Akhi,

 

The Shaikh ul Tim al Horton is creating mischief and fitna on a grand scale. He is inciting the crowds to commit murder in the name of Islam. This cannot be allowed to go on. He lures young people with his visions of paradise so that they leave their homes and head towards D chowk disturbing the peace of the land and of the House of Ittefaq. 

 

As you know that the that the Shaikh started his career as my paid servant in the Ittefaq mosque and was thrown out because he was teaching the kids kamasutra whilst calling it  tajweed. It is true that I carried him up to the Hira cave. I wish I had never brought him back down. He has notions of disobedience and rebellion, but most importantly, Your Majesty, he works for a fee. He will write fatwas and take long haul flights to feed his blind ambition. More...

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Ku Klux Khan

August 15, 2014 at 9:32 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition  

Hakim Hazik

 

I think both the Mirs had ample warnings. Hamid was shown the burning cross, time and again, by the patriotic circles. He was sent text messages, anonymous calls from easily traceable numbers, bullets in an envelope and even a bomb under his Honda. He willfully and criminally neglected to reform his ways. He continued to whine about the traitors who disappear from their homes, inflict on themselves horrific injuries, kill themselves and dump their own bodies in public thoroughfares, just to malign our valiant armed forces. More...

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Three Strikes and You are Out

August 15, 2014 at 9:26 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition  

Hakim Hazik

 

Whilst the sleeper cells are sleeping during the day and watching Pakistan Ramzan during the night, our doughty warrior for democracy Syeda Shehla Raza has not been sitting idle. She has gone onto the national media, (currently operating on channel 539 in selected areas of the bloody civilian population) to bring to the public at large the details of the historic NRO. More...

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St. Felis of Pothohar

August 15, 2014 at 9:21 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition  

Hakim Hazik

 

Dear Brother Shehbaz,

 

I am writing to you from the Jannat al Firdaus. There are not many politicians here; neither are there many car salesmen, estate agents, mullahs or priests. May Allah have mercy on them all and forgive their sins. 

 

It was a very hot summer day in Lahore. I suddenly felt that I was rising out of my cage. I then realised that I could walk on the heads of the crowd. In one leap, I was floating on 35,000 feet, higher than any stray bullets from Landi Kotal. Heat stroke is not a good thing my brother, but better than exploding mangoes, if you ask me. More...

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Mullah Torontino bin Ramadino

August 15, 2014 at 9:16 PMAdministrator

Tuzk e Jahangiri

Hakim Hazik

 

Dear Brethren and Sistren in Islam,

 

Ramadan Kareem to you and to kullun Ummah and to those who followed the Shriek Chairman and did not fall into the trap of the fake mullah of Toronto and the secret mullah on the inside, Imran bin Khan  al-Mukhabirati. 

 

Ramadan is a month when the sins of the Ummah are forgiven and the ghost of Shaitan Zia ul Haq is bound in chains so that it does nat lead astray the faithful in the 111 Brigade. The letter P is also banished from the length and breadth of the Ummah and malaikas and auroras descend from the heaven, bringing the blessings of the letter B. More...

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Saving Islamic Ovaries

August 15, 2014 at 9:11 PMAdministrator

Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

Dear Brother Noon,

 

May the Ramadan be karim to you and the Eid that comes at the end, auspicious for you and your family and mabrook for the Republic. 

 

We are pleased to announce a special package of relief for all the miskeen nations of the Ummah so that they can enjoy the barakah of the holy month side by side with the saliheen of the Kingdom. May Allah SWT continue to bless the Kingdom with the bounties of carbon and keep us safe from the efforts of the heretics to sow infamy and discord in the hearts of Princess Sahar and Princess Jawahar.  More...

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Shaikh ul Aviation

August 15, 2014 at 9:05 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition  

Hakim Hazik

 

The divine light of faith filled my bosom. The angel in my dream asked me to board the flight EK 614 and do my duty. The angel wields a flaming sword. It cuts sharp and it cuts swiftly. It does not allow any obstacle in the way of protecting the honour and dignity of the angels. The mill of the angelic justice will grind slow but it will grind small. 

 

No enemies of God will escape, even those who hide in the Geo vans. We will break their glasses before we will break their necks in a non-violent and peaceful manner. Islam is a religion of peace, as I have written in my DIFID fatwa. Suicide bombing is not halal. Lynching the agents of Satan is halal. Shooting them in the stomach will earn you a place in Jannah. More...

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The Prodigal Brother

August 15, 2014 at 9:01 PMAdministrator

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

Praise be to Allah who created the East India Company who created the section 144. 

 

Your Holiness, the Servitor of the two Harems, please accept peace and salutations of your brother and your humble servant from Dushanbe. 

 

The Prodigal Brother has overplayed his hand. He had hoped to quell the fitna that is poised to rent the fabric of the Ummah, by arrival of the Grand Mushrik of the Canadian tundra to the Dar ul Islam. Blood has flown in the streets and alleyways of Baldatul Model Town, as it had flown previously in the lands of Najd and of Hijaz. Salutations and peace be on the Aal e Sheikh and Aal e Saud. More...

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The Private Channel and the Sensitive Agency

August 15, 2014 at 8:56 PMAdministrator

 

Hakim Hazik

 

Extraordinary Rendition 

 

Our valiant soldiers have taken appropriate action to clear the airport by tracking down, surrounding and liquidating with extreme prejudice, the foreign militants who were trying to take over the Karachi airport. The C in C has congratulated the officers and jawans on their bravery and said that they have earned the everlasting gratitude of the nation. The PIA aircraft, Alhamdulillah, were not damaged. The precious machinery of the cold storage, by the grace of God has also survived. Seven patriotic workers have laid down their lives to protect this national asset. 

 

There was swift retribution by the sword arm of Islam, the Predator drone, which has taken out the 16 militants responsible for the attack. Brother Imran has been advised not to go shooting off his patriotic mouth and let the ISPR deal with the media. He has been strongly advised not the lie down in front of the NATO traffic. His heart is in the right place. In fact, his brain is in the right place as well, for safekeeping in the cold storage under the supervision of the ISPR. More...

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More Sinned against than Sind

August 15, 2014 at 8:52 PMAdministrator

The Quaid Ispeaks

Hakim Hazik

 

Regina Elizabeth

Queen of the United Kingdom and Ireland

Empress of India

 

Dear Ma’am Ji,

 

I met the Met Chief Bhai at 5.30 in the morning when he whispered endearments into my ear and asked me to step into the Ford Transit van, equipped will aal maadren conveniences. 

 

Initially I had thaat that Kate was having another baby and we would be going to the King Edward the Seventh Haspataal. Haooever, I was told that we are heading faar the Wellington Haspataal (South ) and thence to the Iscatland Yard, before we go to the HMP Wandsworth. As expected, there were heralds and outriders so that there was no interruption to the cavalcade and the adoring masses could be kept at a safe distance. More...

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Auntie Mausoleum

August 15, 2014 at 8:48 PMAdministrator

Hakim Hazik

Extraordinary Rendition 

 

Addressing a press conference, the secretary information of the PTI, Auntie Mausoleum has blamed Geo for the recent phenomenon of global warming. She said that PTI has been warning about the reckless behaviour of this channel since Allah SWT sent his angels to the Central Committee and apprised them of the grave situation. More...

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ISPR TV

May 26, 2014 at 12:52 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

 

A special session of the Sunni Ittehad Council has issued a fatwa against the Afghan poet in exile, Jalaluddin Rumi for blasphemy and gross misconduct. 

 

Rumi, alias Maulavi, currently residing in Konya, escaped from the Afghan city of Balkh, after the rule of Sharia was enforced and the deviants and the dregs of the society such as poets, singers and artists had to flee. More...

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Mullah Mississauga

May 26, 2014 at 12:49 PMAdministrator

 

Extraodinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

 

Geo are the criminals. They conducted an elections survey before the polls, they did an exit poll, they had pundits and psephologists and statisticians. All these criminal activities were carried out in broad daylight by Iftikhar Ahmed, in cahoots with Nawaz Sharif, Iftikhar Chaudhry, RAW and Mosad. The conspiracies against the Pakistani nation and the nation’s favourite Sensitive Agency were perfected by the fascist BBC, CNN and Fox News on the American payroll. More...

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Lord of the Cable

May 26, 2014 at 12:47 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

 

 

And it so came to pass that the Lord God spake to the Cable Operator in the desolation of Sinai. He was told that he and his community were the chosen of God. He should go forth and liberate the tribes of the faithful, held in captivity without justice, in Chak Shahzad. He was asked to borrow the divine rod wielded in the name of the Lord God, by the DPC and cast it on the ground when faced with PR setbacks. More...

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We love ISI

May 26, 2014 at 12:43 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

 

There have been historic relations between the Arabian Peninsula and South Asia. There was a brisk sea trade during the Umayyad times. When some of the Arab families were stranded in Serendepe, they were transferred by ship to Basra. On one such journey, pirates working for Mir Khalil ur Reman hijacked the ship bound for Basra, with the help of RAW agents and incarcerated them in a prison called Sing Sing in the fort of Daibol. It was at the time that an Arab women called Aafia Siddiqi cried out ‘O Hajjaj come to my help’. An expeditionary force was sent  under the command of the young Zaheerul Islam, who was barely seventeen years old. These valiant men defeated Mir Khalilur Rehman and decimated his army of sycophants. The cowardly tycoon fled to Dubai and the standard of Islam was unfurled over Karachi Metropolitan Corporation. More...

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Yours Sensitively

May 26, 2014 at 12:39 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

 

 

The International Sensitive Agency takes strong exception to the baseless allegations leveled against it. The Agency has sworn to protect the country and the constitution. The agency has spent blood and treasure answering the call of duty. 

 

The battle however is not over yet. In fact, it has just been joined. The agency believes in peaceful co-existence. This basic rule of civlised behaviour has been violated with impunity by the bloody civilians. But let there be no doubt. Any violation of our sovereignty will be met with the full force of our sensitivity. We shall fight on land, we shall fight in the air and sea. We shall fight in the officers mess and we shall fight in the Royal Palm Golf and Country Club. (Special rates for Eid and Christmas). We shall rehire the retired and send into the exile the ones we cannot hang. More...

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A Goat in Islamabad

May 26, 2014 at 12:05 PMAdministrator

Tuzk e Jahangiri

Hakim Hazik

 

Sir ji, it has been a lang time. The last time the Shriek Chairman sat in a helicopter was when he went to visit the late Shriek Shriek Chairman in the shatoo in Paris. There was a hue and a cry and a total siyapa by the media. Naoo, it is a different balls game. Miansab is in the Prime Minster’s house and the helicopters can come and go, like flies on the koonda of Nawab Din halwai. Nobody asks anymore, Oye, ‘How many teeth you ’av in your mouth?’  More...

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Pride and Dignity

May 26, 2014 at 11:58 AMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

 

‘The army will resolutely preserve its own dignity and institutional pride’, it was announced in the press release of the iSPR, sitting down for an iPhoto session after the Corps Commanders conference. The conference has taken a dim view of the statements issued on the floor of the iParliament by the eGovernment ministers. 

 

It was decided that as soon as the Prime Minister returned from China, the case would be put before him and a the cold barrel of a gun behind him, to leave no one in any doubt that the army takes its pride seriously. More...

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Brother Sissy

May 26, 2014 at 11:54 AMAdministrator

 

Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

Dear Brother Noon, 

 

Salutations to you and your harem. May Allah have mercy on all miskeens and miskeenat in the feudatory lands as long as they pay tribute and keep the deniers of the truth and apostates on a tight leash. 

 

We are pleased to offer the pure, pious and halal money to alleviate the sufferings in the Republic of Puristan. The Ummah is but one body and we are all part of the same. When Aabpara burps, Kabul is rocked on the Al-Richter scale. When miscreants are insolent towards the Manama Palace, the cost of fuel rises in Lahore. More...

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