The Dior Abaya

November 17, 2012 at 6:32 PMAdministrator

 

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

 

In the name of Allah, the most beneficent, the most merciful.

 

Blessings and salutations on the Prophet

 

Dear Brother Abdullah,

 

Your brother has escaped by the skin of his God fearing teeth. The judge has given his brief verdict and not named Yours Truly for receiving the blessed Kingdom rials whereas he has castigated the crooks who were trying to distribute the tainted foreign money to distort the democratic exercise in the Republic. May God protect the Ummah from such evil men and foil their nasty schemes, ameen. May God protect the judge and prolong his tenure till the Day of Judgement, when the detailed judgement will be read out. More...

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Messiah M. Chaudhry

November 17, 2012 at 6:29 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

After much deliberation and much looking over one’s shoulder, one has come to the conclusion that the accused General Wind Beg and General Now-In-Armani are guilty as charged. So is the late Slave King and all those usurpers who are dead or retired. More...

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Bani Gala and Bani Israel

November 17, 2012 at 6:25 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

We condemn the attack on Malala. In this condemnation, we should not forget Aafia Siddiqi. She is the true daughter of Islam. She should be freed from the infidel Sing Sing prison. Aasia Bibi should stay in custody. She should not be freed from the bastion of faith, the font of all blessings, the Adyala prison. The injured and the infirm should go to Birmingham, UK or Buffalo, New York. The able bodied should go to Helmand and beat the infamy and licentiousness out of the infidel soldiers attacking the Dar ul Islam. More...

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Time, Tide and Little Girls

November 17, 2012 at 6:17 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

Why do you keep asking me? I have told you a thousand times. This war is not our war. We are killing our own people just because the Americans have given us a few shekel. In our land our own people are sovereign. More...

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Your Brother and Big Brother

November 15, 2012 at 9:52 PMAdministrator

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

 

All lies. White lies. Your brather knows every vein in their body. I have not bleached these hairs in sunlight. Thereafter, I have not died these hairs with Kala Kola. Those who are suppredding rumours are an the payroll of the same peepal who took your brather to Kot Lakhpat and to the Shahi Qila. Naoo they are holding paress canferences and making satatements, as if the Nurpur butter won’t melt in their mouth. More...

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Jizya by Direct Debit

September 29, 2012 at 9:49 AMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Congratulations to the Ummah. We have found the answer to the blasphemy and insolence of the dying and decadent West. Haji Ghulam Ahmed Bilour has announced a bounty on the head of the accursed film maker. It is only a matter of time before a spirited individual will show the world the stuff that the Ummah is made of. This will not only preserve our honour as an Ummah, but also will safeguard the cinemas of belonging to Haji Sahib. As our readers will know, some irresponsible elements wanted to burn these repositories of high Islamic art to the ground. More...

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The Last Tango in Islamabad

September 22, 2012 at 11:42 AMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

We are ready. All the preparations are complete. The road blocks are in place. The Red Zone has been sealed, so that even Brother Haqqani cannot get in; not even in an ISI car. The water cannon and the tear gas will be used judiciously, before live bullets are fired. The containers will eventually give way, in accordance with the carefully written script. More...

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The National Tragedy

September 15, 2012 at 12:38 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

 

It was a historic day that ended in tragedy; a tragedy that has not failed to touch all of us, regardless of class and status. The President has cancelled his tour to his French chateau via Burj Dubai and the Mian Sahib, acting swiftly, has postponed the project of buying free iPhones for foreign correspondents. The Field Marshal is has given the batman the evening off and is stretched on his camp bed, fully clothed, staring at the ceiling and thinking how things came to such a pass that he has to rehire his retired generals to protect them from the grubby paws of the bloody civilians.  More...

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The Islamic Banana

September 8, 2012 at 12:43 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The Republic is in safe hands; in the safe hands of the wily President Coyote. He expertly steered the ship of the nation through various shoals and bluffs which would have fooled a lesser sea captain. Many a stalwart have fallen having redeemed the tradition of chivalry in these times of deceit and chicanery. More...

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The Objectives Resolution 2012

September 8, 2012 at 12:32 PMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Whereas it is unclear how the universe began, or whether there is an over arching mechanism of oversight, the sovereignty in this Land of Pakistan belongs to its people alone. More...

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Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Sipahi

September 8, 2012 at 10:03 AMAdministrator

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I am afraid that the Americans have driven me to distraction. They have refused cough up or to shut up. In the end I had to crawl on all fours to get them to restore the NATO supplies. Otherwise Islam would have been in serious danger and the welfare projects of 25 billion, that we have undertaken, would have to be wound up. The Defense Colonies would have turned into tent villages and the Fauji Foundation would have to be turned into a punctures repair shops for the indigent corps commanders. The Army wives would have to do tailoring and needle work to make ends meet. More...

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Nikah

September 8, 2012 at 9:57 AMAdministrator

 

Nikah

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

This war is not our war. We are killing our own people to please foreign masters whereas we should be killing our own people to please our own masters. This is what I have always said. We need our own tsunami and we need it in our own teacup. More...

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The Leader

August 24, 2012 at 9:39 AMAdministrator

When the convoy of the Leader, arrived I was asleep.

The afternoon azans were being blasted from the loud speakers. The Maulvi Sahib would strike the microphone 3 times before he would clear his throat and recite the salutations. Then he would  plunge into the proper azan with gusto. Suddenly there would be a tumult from all around when tens of muezzins would call the faithful to the prayers. More...

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The Gospel of St. Woolmer

August 22, 2012 at 11:24 AMAdministrator

By: Hakim Hazik

In the beginning God created the ECB.

As an afterthought and due to media pressure he created the BCCI and the PCB. To give a surprise to the angels who were bored to the point that they were talking to the bookies, he created Ijaz Butt. He ordered him to take abode in the Garden of Eden Housing Society (later merged into Defence Housing Authrority). He advised to him to watch the calories he ate and never to go near the forbidden tree of the Knowledge of the Good the Bad and the Ugly. From his rib he created the rib eye steak. He thrived in this garden and became the vicegerent of God on earth. More...

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The House of Peace

August 22, 2012 at 10:47 AMAdministrator

 

By: Hakim Hazik

I am saying what the Maulvi is saying. It means that I am becoming a Muslim. Being a Muslim is very nice. I have thought about it. I feel ready. Fasting is good. It makes you feel good. You have to get up in the middle of the night. I have a deep sleep. The house mother has to shake me hard to wake me up. I don’t mind. More...

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Dajjal National Park

August 22, 2012 at 10:41 AMAdministrator

 

By: Hakim Hazik

Our heartiest felicitations to the great philosopher of Islam and the scourge of the heretics for his re-employment at the world headquarters of virtue and piety, the great fountainhead of knowledge and wisdom, the satellite channel of Geo. More...

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The Fall of Geneva

August 22, 2012 at 10:37 AMAdministrator

By: Hakim Hazik

They had come in their serried legions, by air by sea and by land routes. Gathering dust and glory of arduous distances, hazarding innumerable perils including the incomparable risks of flying on the PIA’s Air Buses, recycled from the Lahore Omnibuses. More...

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Higg's Bosoms

August 22, 2012 at 10:34 AMAdministrator

Peter Higgs was a physicist, born in Edinburgh. At an early age he postulated the presence of massive entities called Higg’s bosoms which rivaled the achievements of Marilyn Monroe and Maulana Fazlur Rehman. He flirted for a little while with the Defense of Pakistan Council, but soon realized that this crush was futile and would not lead to any breakthroughs in cosmology. More...

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Prince Knife Bin Abdul Aziz

August 22, 2012 at 10:30 AMAdministrator

Verily we are from God and to him must we return. While he lived, he was a source of inspiration to all of us. He implemented the vision of Al-Shaikh Abdul Wahab with diligence and with devotion. All the faithful in the world such as the standard bearers of Islam including Rana Sana Ullah and Malik Ishaq looked up to him for guidance.

More...

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Letter to the Queen

June 23, 2012 at 9:24 PMAdministrator

 

23rd of May, 2012

HRH Queen

Any Royal Residence

The World Over

 

Dear Ma'am

 

Hope you and Uncle Phil enjoy good health. I pray that he has recovered from his heart scare and now back again to his fighting fit ways, with the lot of us lot bearing the brunt of his jokes. I honestly have to admit that political correctness has taken things to such an extreme that humour now is non existent in what once used to be  a great country. More...

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