Justice Denied

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

A male never grows old. Dejection is a sin. Have you heard of the dead man rising in Muradabad? Rohu fish allows you to overcome the deficiency of calcium and improves your carnal powers. If only you take the vitamins that I take from Efroze Pharma, you will always stay young and continue to marry highly desirable women separated from highly undesirable men and continue to perform your conjugal duties to the highest standards. More...

Who says I am afraid? Pakistan is a peaceful country where nobody has ever been harmed for their political views. Everyone in Islamabad lives in peace and harmony, except black goats, Chinese massage women and journalists led astray by petty notions of free speech. World renowned figures have made its relaxing holiday retreats such as Abbott Abad their second homes. International celebrities come and go with complete freedom, especially Navy Seals in Stealth Helicopters. More...

31 Laxmi Mansion
Hall Road 
Lahore

Dear Uncle Ash,

I would not normally bother you at this critical juncture in our nations’s history. As you know, I would normally write to Uncle Sam whenever I run out of locally distilled whisky. I have heard that you are not talking to Uncle Sam any more. This has caused me tremendous anxiety so that I am worried that the essentials of life that are the last hope of  poor devout muslims like me will not arrive in time. I, like all the patriotic Pakistanis who ride a rented Sohrab bicycle, am quite attached to the idea of having gleaming new squadrons of F16s, so that we can destroy our enemies who cast their evil eyes on our determined nation. More...

خداوند عز و جل ما را اندر زمانه  پدید آورده است که اهل آن هوا را شریعت نام کرده اند و طلب جاه و ریاست و تکبر را عز و علم و ریا خلق را خشیت و نهان داشتن کینه را اندر دل حلم و مجادله را مناظره و مجازیت و سفاهت را عفت و نفاق را زهد و تمنا را ارادت و هزیان طبع را معرفت و حرکات دل و حدیث نفس را محبت و الحاد را فقر و حجود را صفوت و زندقه را فنا و ترک شریعت پیغامبر را طریقت و آفت اهل زمانه را معاملت نام کرده اند تا ارباب معانی اندر میان ایشان مهجور گشته اند و ایشان غلبه گرفتند.

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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

State vs. Lamb Husain alias Ram Parkash. 

The court reminds you that you are under oath tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

The petitioner Wolf Uddin has submitted to this full bench that you have conspired and collaborated with a foreign power to bring the armed forces of this great pasture into disrepute. You have conspired to attack their morale and tried to disturb the peace of the forest. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

On behalf of the ISI, we welcome you to the biggest jalsa since the Pakistan Resolution was passed. This conference is fully supported by the Armed Forces of Pakistan, including Anjuman e Sipah e Sahaba, Lashkar e Taiba and 313 Brigade. More...

Letter to Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Jalalatul Mulk,

No man is island, entire unto itself. Eery man is a peninsula, none as holy as yours.  

Your Majesty,

Brother AZ is on the peninsula currently undergoing his ablutions on the periphery. Very soon he may join you in the Saroor Palace where your brother and your bhabi spent the best years of our life. Time and tide wait for no one. The Grim Reaper and General Pasha give no quarter. More...

اسوار

محمد ایوب 

کوھیڑ  اِنج

جیویں کوہ مری دیاں وادیاں اندر 

 بدل لتھے

چٹی جھنڈی چا کے وچوں چڑھیا آوے 

سد کریندا ''امن امان اچ رھوو بھراوو   امن امان اچ رھوو""

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By: Hakim Hazik

Our strategic assets are in safe hands. Safe hands have safe fingers which are in every commercial, financial and strategic pie. The moving finger writes and having writ, moves on and not all your piety nor wit, can lure it back to cancel half a line or persuade it to go to the Bonn Conference. More...

حامد عتیق 

جد غیراں نوں

گھر واڑیا سی

اوہدوں لوکاں کولوں

پچھیا سی؟

جیہڑا دس دے او!

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By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Readers,

Today we will show you how to catch dajjal in five easy and practical steps. 

Catching dajjal has recently become a very popular pastime among people who love the great outdoors. You will have seen various manuals, guides and self help books, some of them of questionable quality, on the very same topic. Although this can be a risky pursuit, if done properly and with expert guidance, there is no reason why it should not become a safe, rewarding and gratifying experience. 

You will need the following essential items: More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Meray Aziz Ham Watno,

In the name of Allah the beneficent, the merciful.

In the name of soft strategic depth, which has no equal.

Tonight, I want to report to the people of Pakistan and to the world, that the ISI has conducted an operation which has neutralized and eliminated Husain Haqqani, the biggest threat to the world peace and to the rule of law. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

To,

President Asif Ali Zardari

President of the Islamic Republic of Pakistan

And, 

Field Martial Avatar P Kayani

The Supreme Leader,

In-charge S Wing

Father of the Nation

Through the Good Offices of,

Mr Mansoor Ijaz, 

Interlocutor to Admiral Mullen, President Obama and God. 

Dear Sirs,

Please find enclosed my resignation from the post of the ambassador in Washington. I have submitted it simultaneously to the FO, the YouTube and the Twitter. More...

Letter from Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Nawaz,

We are in receipt of your worthy epistle. It has brought comfort to our aggrieved heart. May Allah SWT allow us to live and die as Muslims, preferably on martyrdom missions, and raise us as Muslims on the day of judgement preferably in our suicide attire. May God protect us from the Zionists and from the Iranians and the dangers that are incubating in Negev and in Bushehr. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Mran had a big jalsa. Peepal are saying that nobody has done a bigger jalsa since Sheed Mohtarma, when she came in 1986 and your brather was driving the truck faram the airpoat, right upto the Yadgar. Afsos, I was nat driving the Land Rover this time. More...

Letter to Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Verily, we are for God and to Him we must return. 

Your Majesty the Malik of the Holy Peninsula, the Servitor of the Holy Harems and the peerless conqueror of the Satanic Kingdom of Bahrain, please accept my heartfelt condolences at the sad passing away of the Crown Prince. Please also convey my deepest sympathies to the  23 brothers, whether Sudairi or non Sudairi, the 46 half brothers and 69 quarter brothers of the dear departed soul. More...

The High Charpai of ISI

By: Hakim Hazik

The shadow of God on earth, Field Marshal Avatar P. Kayani has pronounced in clear and unambiguous terms, that Pakistan will not take dictation from anyone. He was giving dictation to Parliamentary Defense Committee. He was in an expansive mood sitting on his customary charpai, as Chaudhry Nisar massaged his feet in a closed door session which was shown to the media through a crack in the door. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

O people of the Ummah, those who have kept faith, rejoice. The Ghazi has struck again; this time not in Mozang Chungi but in Highland Ranch, Colorado. The battle between Islam and the infidels is eternal and the conflict between good and evil is everlasting. Our enemies are always on the lookout to pounce whenever there is an opportunity. The defenders of the Faith have to be vigilant, as was the Ghazi in the Einstein Bagels car park, (Darn good bagels), as much as he was on the bright January day in front of Bahsir Darul Mahi, (Fish that transforms your love life). More...

BY: Hakim Hazik

We went for a study tour of the Green zone. I took all members of the troop. Some of them were barely Tenderfoots. I was the only Eagle Scout. We were put up in this building overlooking the embassy. The boys worked on their proficiency badges for masonry and cooking during the day. At night we had the campfire on the fifth floor with some shooting practice. The boys are already good at RPGs. Scouting in much misunderstood in Kabul. We only bring a message of friendship and peace. Sir Pasha agrees. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

We are, without a doubt the most honorable nation on the face of the earth. An attack on our sovereignty will be resisted with all possible means at our disposal. Haqqani Sahib is our knight in shining armour who will demolish the cruel and heartless American imperialism. 

He is the defender of the Faith and the servant of the Strategic Depth, in which we believe with our hearts and with our souls, unto which we hold no equal, to which we prostrate ourselves and from which we seek succour and sustenance. There is only one Supreme Entity superior to the Strategic Depth and that is the Soft Strategic Depth. More...