از: حکیم حاذق

آپ سلسلہ عالیہ جرنیلیہ کے نہایت جید بزرگ تھے۔ آپ کے جد امجد زمانہ ما قبل از تاریخ میں ماورا النہر سے حلقہ ۵۵ تشریف لائے۔ یہ وہی نہر ہے جس پر نہر والی حویلی واقع ہے۔  اور یہ وہی جدِ امجد ہیں جو آج کل بعبور دریائے شور، ماورا النہر الٹیمز، ایجویر روڈ پر محوِخواب ہیں۔ آپ کی درگاہ مرجعِ خاص و عام ہے۔ مرحوم سماع کے بے حد شوقین تھے۔ کئی مرتبہ خود بھی طبلے پر سنگت کرتے تھے۔ آپ ہی کے مرقدِ پُر نور میں روشن خیال اعتدال پسندی بھی دفن ہے۔

خاک میں کیا صورتیں ہوں گی کہ پنہاں ہو گئیں۔

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تزکِ جہانگیری

از: حکیم حاذق

سریر آرائے سلطنتِ ہندوستان، ظلِ الٰہی، صاحبِ عالم، صاحبقران، شہنشاہ نورالدین محمد جہانگیر بدر، ایم  اے پولیٹکل سائنس، ایل ایل بی پنجاب، اب ایک پریس کانفرنس سے خطاب فرمائیں گے:

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By: Asif Raja

HRH the Queen

Any Royal Abode

UK& the Independent Territories.

Dear Ma’am

Skipping the usual banal apologies and health enquiries, I fully trust that the royal mail will make sure that you get this letter. Being the head of our great country I do realise that your duties which we all know that come before all and sundry even family takes you far and wide to meet with your humble and loyal subjects. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother,

Do you seriously think that you can talk to the infidel Americans and the running dog Karzai while sitting in the citadel of Islam and enjoying the peace and prosperity of the city of Karachi? Do you think you can carry on behind our back while partaking of prime quality snuff, provided courtesy of the International Sensitive Agency? More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Seldom in the history of the true faith has so much been owed by so many to a single true mujahid. He was driven by the fire and the zeal of the true faith. He knew the value of freedom. The trials and tribulations which would have shaken a lesser man, only served to strengthen his faith in the all powerful, the all knowing Free Market. He also knew that the real rewards await the true mujahidin in the world hereafter. He knew that the rewards in this world including prime quality Columbian cocaine, count for nothing. He was the one stalwart who resisted the onslaught of the infidel Russian juggernaut in the tradition of Imam Shamil. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Maharashtra ij for Marathi Manoos only. If Shah Rukh Khan is fand of his Pakistani brathers he should go and lieuve in Pakistan. There, he will find many Khans, with whom he can pilay kirkit or other games popular in that race. He can sing a duet with Maulana Lakhvi or record a monsoon scene with Hafiz Saeed. Oui will paratect Mumbai against enemy infiltrators such as Shahid Afridi and Rahul Gandhi. More...

Dear danny zens of Lahore shpecially zens, I am writing your faram the durbar of Lahore with Shriek Chairman sitting on the takht of Lahore. As always, I am spoating him. I am the most impatant mimber af his paty. I carry the weight af the hole paty on my strang shoulders. I share the burdens af his leadership by carrying them myself. This brings a smile to the face of the Shriek Chairman and sometimes tears to his eyes More...

Dear Subjects,

It is with great pleasure that we welcome you to the establishment of the House of Islam, the Haven of Peace, the Caliphate of God and the State of all Muslims and people in covenant. This, my brothers, is the Holy Commonwealth of Khorasan. More...

By: Hakim Hazik

This splendid ship has dropped anchor in the port of Gawadar. No, no I do not mean any of the celebrated TV presenters, who are all here, flown first class, courtesy of tax payer and IMF and put up in the excellent Intercontinental hotel. More...

Letter from Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Nawaz,

We are in receipt of your kind missive and your Christmas card, please accept our greetings and of our subjects on this auspicious occasion. We were pleased to know that you are partaking of the blessings of the Almighty in the holy borough of Southall. There are indeed many rewards which await the faithful; those who stand firm in face of the trials brought on them by the Almighty and those who eschew heretical and dangerous notions such as liberal democracy More...

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother,

Please accept our greetings for the festive season from the holy land of South Hall. This is a bastion of the Ummah and a safe haven for the faithful in the Increasingly Islamic Republic of Inglistan. I would urge you your majesty to break your auspicious journey at Lahore Karahi, when you next travel to the blessed land of Marbella. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

This is a live transmission from the Mehsud International Airport, formerly Benazir International Airport, formerly Islamabad International Airport. Our most honoured guest, his Excellency Mullah Abdus Salam Zaeef, the special representative of the Caliph of Islam, Mullah Mohammad Omar will shortly disembark from his donkey cart. Two children dressed in traditional attire and suicide jackets will present him bouquets of flowers. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The infidels will try to snuff out the lamp of truth but their hollow and empty breaths will be useless. Due to the hypocritical and faithless policies of our leaders, due to the conspiracies of Hindu, Zionist, American, Qadiani, Buddhist, Baha’i, Kharji, Inuit and Blackwater lobby, our tribal areas have been transformed from citadels of world jihad to killing fields of drone war. This has all been made possible due to NRO, which has allowed our leaders to become willing tools in the hands of Zionist, imperialist, Brahmin, and secular communists. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

I think so that Afzal Sindhu’s brain has gone falty. He is saying that I have eaten bribe fram Sui’s Suthren Gas. He is saying that Shriek Chairman has money in Suiss Bank.  I am saying to you, fram A to Z, it is a lie. No no, I don’t mean that brather AZ is a lie. He is af course the Shriek Chairman and the pazident af the nation, and I am his best brather and chief dvisor. I spoat him and he spoats me. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The first mouth watering tranche of American greenbacks is about to arrive. O, the intoxicating smell of freshly minted dollars, from the perfumery of the Federal Reserve Board. How our diligent ministers have waited for this manna from heaven. This ransom will many coffers fill. The mansions, the farmhouses and the bank accounts will be filled to the brim with prosperity and good cheer. More...

The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Pilease come and visit my madest ibode in the Mill Hill area. It is worth an ismall sum of one million pounds. It is the philosophy of Muttahida never to cirave luxury at the expense of poor and midil cilass peepil. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

‘From the drinking of camel milk and eating of lizards, the bloody civilian has reached a stage where he dreams of the throne of Kayani. Woe betide the day it happens.’ (Firdausi)

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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I have covered my head, carefully concealed my skin exposure, folded my hands and visited the shrines of Great Sufi saints including Hazrat Bari Imam, Hazrat Allama Iqbal and Hazrat Ashfaq Pervez Kayani. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Some say it is Paradise Lost. Some say it could have been Paradise Lost. It wasn’t in the end because she switched sides at the last minute. Some say it is a fool’s Paradise. They are the biggest fools themselves. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Long years ago, we made a tryst with destiny. We paid two billion dollars for it. The time has come to redeem that pledge and take delivery. In a star studded ceremony in Dallas, the Air Chief Marshall was handed over the first batch of the F16 aircrafts. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

Naoo taak. Look what flower Kiyani has caused to bloom. I was thinking the wits of the fauj had come back to their place, after eating beating by Taliban. Nat so. We have all eaten fraad. You can bury the dog’s tail for one year or farty years, it will not become satraight. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear audience,

Thanks for giving me the pleasure of your company and of your hard earned dollars. I can assure you that the thousand dollars per head that you have paid through your nose to have the privilege of being present here this evening, is money well spent and offers great value in these days of economic crisis and problems with cash flow. More...

Justice Denied

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

It is only because of people like Ghulam Ahmed Bilour that the Ummah has been able to overcome the conspiracies hatched by the Qadiyanis, the Hindus and the Jews. Bilour Sahib has endeared himself to the nation and in particular the denizens of the city of Peshawar, by showing in his cinema, movies with a very improving moral content. This has transformed the outlook of a generation of young people and turned them into great defenders of the faith and of Musarrat Shahin. More...

Letter from Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

All praises and salutations are for the One who rules the New World Order without let or hindrance and mostly without a partner. The One who controls the vastness of the skies and the depths of the oceans. The One whom we rely on to protect our just rule. The One who is the Lord of the Earth and the Master of Dhahran airbase. The one who gives sustenance to the 7^th fleet and to the Central Command. It to the US of A that we turn to and seek help from in our hour of need. More...

The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear members af the rabita kimaitee, dear members of the Muttahida nation, this is your Quaid ispeaking. Pilease accept my gireetings for Ramzan. The cat is out of the bag. This is no ardinary cat. This one is a retired birigadier. This is nat the istandard issue gunny bag firam Muttahida. This is the bag of tiricks firam the ISI. More...

Letter to Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Abdullah,

The former brother and former patriot, Baitullah Mehsud is dead; more dead than the Patriot ABM missile. He was felled by the Predator missile, fired on the orders of brother Barak Husain Obama and requested by my special brother and the president of the nation, my late Sister BB’s last and the most precious gift to the Ummah, Brother AA. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

What what rubbish the media will perdoos. Now Mr Jaswant Singh Saab is saying that Kaday Yazam Mumd Ali Jinnah was nat the Father af the Nation. I am asking him, if he was nat the father af the nation, was he a Phupha of the nation? And who was the father af the nation then anyhow? Mraja Ranjit Singh? Shah Faisal? Barak Sain Bama? More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik 

August 14, 2009. Pakistan has survived another crisis. Today when Pakistanis across the length and breadth of the country were joyfully celebrating their 63rd independence day, a heinous attack took place on our fundamental national values. As a result, the situation of public order in Nawab Shah suddenly took a dire turn More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I live in London, Inglistan. This is the heartland of Ummah. There are many members of the Ummah Club. I have been here the longest. I have the largest number of cases against me in law courts, most of them murder cases. Other mimbers incilude General Tinpot and Short Cut Aziz. We aften sit together and compare notes. More...

Letter to the Queen

By: Asif Raja 

Dear Ma’am

It has just occurred to me to write a letter to you on an impulse which I am known more for, rather than allocating  protected time to sit down and type the letters, as I have promised, to keep your highness informed and amused. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

This is a historic occasion, seldom seen in the history of nations. Pakistan is about to be given the distinction of the most racially purified and ethnically clean nation of the world. We have been painstakingly guided through this difficult process, by internationally acclaimed peace activists such as Mr Narendra Modi and Mr Slobodan Milosevic. More...

Gojra’s Shame

Justice Denied

Christians burnt alive in Gojra riots

Rangers called in after mob torches Christian homes 
Punjab law minister says preliminary investigation shows no desecration of holy Quran

By Ali Usman

Daily Times
 

LAHORE: The government deployed the Rangers to the town of Gojra on Saturday after at least seven Christians, including three women, were burnt alive and dozens injured following the second incident of violence against Christians in Punjab in one month. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

We have an all star cast.

Billimar Niazi, the lover of military leadership, whose pulse quickens at the sight of khaki, who goes into throes of ecstasy at the sound of army boots. The adept survivor of the lynch mobs, who can recite the constitutional law backwards and interprets it in the same way. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Qila Gujjar Singh police, on Friday night, has arrested Anjuman Shehzadi on the instructions of Lahore High Court. The matter came to a head when the court formed a committee at the petition of a resident of Lahore.  The petitioner had moved the court accusing Ms Shehzadi of exposing her considerable cleavage gratuitously and with great irresponsibility in the Alfalah dance theatre. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I should make it perfectly clear that I have been quoted out of context. When I supported a division into smaller parts to redress the raging sense of injustice among the masses, I did not mean my leader and mentor, Pervez Musharraf. More...

Tuzk e Jahangiri

By: Hakim Hazik

Have you heard the news? The cabinet is reshuffling. Like a pack of cards. Some peepal say that size is nat impatant. Perfarmacne is what matters. I think so, it is very big. The size should be reduced. Lazy, good for nothing ministers should be sacked. In their place good good, hard working, highly ejucated peepal should be braat, who keep the pain of the patty in their heart, who have rubbed their battams and given their bled, like myself. More...

Letter to the Queen

By: Asif Raja  

HRH The Queen

Balmoral Castle

Balleter

Scotland  

Dear Ma’am I will skip the usual apologies, as you must have guessed my opening gambit by now. I will therefore come to the subject at hand. 

As you very well know I am great admirer of the British people; an inclination which I have inherited from my forbearers. Before coming over for good, I used to highlight the greatness of the people living in these isles being paragons of virtue, free of all vices and downright honest. I also naively believed that women over here never indulged in accessories like fashion and off course never wasted a penny. “Wait till you go there”, my good old mother would reply and by God how right she was. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Your Majesty,

Please find the statement submitted to the High Court on the behalf of your brother:

It was submitted that the helicopter was used essentially to airlift life saving supplies to the remote corners of the Punjab from the world famous, Haji Fazal Din Centre of Resuscitation and Rehab, inside Taxali Gate. The life support material transported included Siri Payas, Nihari and Harisa, produced under meticulously controlled conditions, in accordance with international standards. More...

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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Let’s first establish the facts. There is little doubt that I wore them when I went to the press conference in the morning. It does require guts to face these wily journalists. You can never tell what is coming your way. By the grace of Almighty God, everything went well. I talked about the international conspiracies besetting our nation. The infiltration of RAW, MOSSAD and CIA. The shed loads of money that the enemy is spending to destabilize our state. The uncircumcised imams on enemy payroll who are taking over our mosques. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Your Exalted Highness, the Custodian of the Holy Places and the Protector of the Ummah, please accept greetings from your brother. The Land of the Pure is becoming purer and purer. The forces of moderation are killing the extremists. The extremists are killing the heretics. The heretics are killing the oppressors. The whole exercise is cleansing the society. The nation will emerge purer and fresher. It will hold its head high and be able to walk with dignity among the clean nations of the world. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

It’s official. The songs of Naseebo Lal are obscene. This is the decision of the highest court in the sacred land of the Punjab. They arouse the basest instincts in men and women of this holy land. If left to her own devices, she could play havoc with the safety and integrity of the nation. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

From the United Secretariat,

Istation Road,

Near Edgware Road Tube Istation,

London, England

I cannot under istand this. We have called or the destruction of Taliban. We have asked the army action to be istarted. We have called meetings of top Maulanas, who can certify that Talibans are enemies of Islam and can give fatwas for their islaughter. We have been the only secular, liberal party who believes in fireedom. Fireedom of belief, fireedom of ispeach, fireedom for wee men to work and tiravel.More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

To whom it may or may not concern,

Through praper channel,

(Including Geo, ARY and Aaj TV channel)

To,

Respected Keem Hazik Sahib,

JDP

Dear Sir Ji,

Most respectfully, I beg to satate,  that I ofen read your anal ices. My view pint on nashnal issues is same to same, but there are some impatant differences, which are listed underneath in a number wise fashion.More...

Letter to the Queen

By: Asif Raja

HRH

Queen Elizabeth the Second

Buckingham Palace

Central London 

Dear Ma’am, 

Sorry for not keeping my word but then we Pakistanis, a nation of many cultures now rapidly turning into a Talibo-Arabian one, were never to be trusted to keep it anyway. More...

Transcultural Dialogues

By: Hakim Hazik

Teacher Clinton: Hello children, I hope you are well. It is nice to see you after this break. I was away in Mexico. Have you all enjoyed your holidays?

Monitor Holbrooke: Yes madam. Kayani is not back yet. He has got flu.

Mrs. Clinton: O Dear, I hope it is not swine flu.

Holbrooke: No madam, although he is capable of having it, he has not got swine flu. What he has is called Swat flu. Dr Mullen says it can cause a deadly pandemic. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Praise be to God, whose rule has been established in the valley and soon will be established in that capital of sin and rebellion, Islamabad. The infidels and hypocrites have been expelled from the valley of the faithful. Those who transgress against the rules of God will soon be exterminated. Those who trample upon the divine laws will be trampled upon in turn. Those who stick their neck out will have their throats slit. Sovereignty belongs to one True God, the beneficent, the merciful. More...

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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Islamabad is a federal territory. It is the capital of the largest country of the Ummah. All citizens of the federation have a claim on its real estate. All citizens of the Ummah have a claim on its real estate. More...

By: Omar Ali 

I recently went on a road trip across the North-Eastern United States and at every stop, the Pakistanis I met were talking about the situation in Pakistan. As is usually the case, everyone seemed to have their own pet theory, but for a change ALL theories shared at least two characteristics: they were all pessimistic in the short term and none of them believed the “official version” of events. Since there seems to be no consensus about the matter, a friend suggested that I should summarize the main theories I heard and circulate that document, asking for comments. I hope your comments will clarify things even if this document does not. So here, in no particular order, are the theories. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear male members of the Ummah, greetings from Islamabad.

The Ummah has woken up at last. I am very pleased to inform that the writ of the state is now firmly established. I mean the writ of the state of Swat over Islamabad. We have no quarrels with the west, as long as it submits to flogging. We will welcome international assistance in the area of flogging. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Colleagues,

We are gathered here today to celebrate the unprecedented achievements of our valiant armed forces but also to take stock of the serious challenges facing the nation. I am very pleased to announce that our armed forces acting with great courage, determination, foresight and self sacrifice have established 20 marriage halls up and down the country. More...

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

4^th Prail is a black day in the history of Pakustan. Sheed Chairman Zulafkar Ali Bhutto was killed by qatil Ziaulhaq. Young peepal from Pakustan Peepal Patty, like myself, were taken to Shahi Qila and flogged by dictator, same to same as young peepal in Swat are being flogged by Maulvi Fazlulla. I don’t think so that Ziaulhaq was killed by Mreeka or by the army. He was killed by God. Maulvi Fazlulla will  also be killed by God. More...

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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Martyrdom is not a turkey shoot. Let me make this absolutely clear. Turkeys are turkeys and martyrs are martyrs. Turkeys cannot by martyrs and more importantly, martyrs cannot be turkeys. It would be a mistake to confuse the two. And no, Liberty and Manawan do not make a turkey sandwich. More...