by Asif Raja
Inspired by none other than the ‘Muflis-e-Haal’ of his time, the one and only Saadat Hasan Manto, I have decided to write a few letters to Her Majesty the Queen of Great Britain, also affectionately known as Ma’am and otherwise HRH Queen Elizabeth the Second!
Dear Ma’am
I have decided to write a series of letters to Your Royal Highness over a period of time. The purpose of these letters will get clearer in the course of time.
Allow me to introduce myself. I am a humble, loyal and dedicated subject of yours, though Your Majesty’s Government has changed my official status to a ‘citizen’. I, however, being somewhat stuck in history, would like to think of myself as the former. Not only this, but I can lay claim that this very honour was inherited by me; as generations before me have served you and your forefathers with even greater diligence.
I am a British born Pakistani, hence the explanation. My parents served in the NHS, the flagship of your successive governments since you came to the throne after the rather early and sad passing away of your father, His Royal Highness, King George the 6th. Before them, both of my grandfathers were employed in The Royal Indian Army, serving a country which is now divided into three, thanks to your husband’s maternal uncle whom I shall be calling Dickie. I am sure your father had nothing to do with it except to give his very royal seal of approval and surely on the day of judgement will plead non-guilty, as he was only the titular head of this great country. I am sure you will also be exonerated for many of the misdemeanours conducted in your good name, by those who have kissed your hands over the years; from Mr Churchill to Mr Poodle Blair.
Please forgive the occasional sarcasm and cynicism as I believe the greatest virtue of this society is freedom of expression. Free expression will follow, if I am in a mood to write more, and if, on your part, there is a willingness to read more.
So I was saying that both my grandparents were in the Royal Indian Army and served as officers in the Education and Medical Corps. They served both the king and country with great honour. In fact my paternal grandfather, a self made man, was there at the fall of Singapore. As a memento, he had a few Japanese samurai swords which one of my cousins has stolen from our possession with the connivance of my paternal grandmother. But then these things of family feuds and arguments are very common in our part of the world and all is fair in love and war; though whether what happened was out of love of the swords, or war with us, I can’t say. Luckily you have been spared all those inherited subjects, as on one fateful day of August, in the year 1947 they were declared independent and your poor father lost about 20% of humanity as his realm.
Sorry for the rather long prologue. I just wanted you to understand that I am a thoroughbred as far as loyalty comes. Few would come better than me. No wonder one day, I decided that for higher education, I need to come back to the Mother Country and make sure that I contribute enough to keep you and your rather large entourage in business. That day was a pleasant day in July 11 years ago. Since then I have worked in that flagship organisation of yours called the ‘NHS’, which I believe is the third largest organisation in the world after the Chinese Army and Indian Railways. I have been serving the population of this country, with dedication, in various capacities, though largely adding to it. I can assure you that I had only two of my own; and the rest, I hope, were born to their documented parents.
I have to say that for the most part, I have been well looked after and certainly not as poor as my inspiration Mr Manto had been or claimed to be. But then I am not of his calibre and neither do I drink. I am sure the local ciders are brewed with great scientific precision. Mr Manto only had a cheap local spirits to consume which he blamed for his health problems but then if he was alive in this day and age and country he would have found that whether its Glenmorangie, Famous Grouse or the local tharra as we call it, they all are the same. Anyway, I can’t complain. I do have things now which I never had before, so in fact, despite 62% of my money being taken away from me, I am fairly comfortable and I don’t mind you having a slice of it. After all you are the monarch, and I remain Ma’am,
Your Humble Subject
Dr MAK Raja.
Dr Raja is a specialist in fertility treatment, currently working in the UK