Extraordinary Rendition
By: Hakim Hazik
There are two kinds of Taliban.
The good ones live in Quetta. They are cuddly and roly-poly. They have generous and reassuring paunches, symbolic of the glory of Islam. They sit on hand woven carpets with intricate designs, using round pillows to support their staid behinds. They have tea with the Corps Commander Sahib. They send their girls to school in Quetta and their fighters to jihad in Helmand to blow up schools. They have endearing habits. They stroke their beards with their fingers and say alhamdu lillah when they burp.
They believe in the unity of command and unity of Ummah. They dislike shirk. For their pastime, they blow up Hazaras. They like business in the best tradition of the Ummah. They specialise in transport and heroine. They live in lovely suburban villas with enclosed inner courtyards, called safe havens. They like to entertain and be invited by foreign dignitaries. They must go there in the staff car. Once or twice they have taken a taxi cab. Corps Commander Sahib was not happy.
They mentor up and coming young man as their interns, who have made their name in under-served areas such as Kashmir and Qunduz.
Unfortunately, there are bad Taliban as well. Sometimes, it can be difficult to tell the difference. However our scholars have come up with a test. If they move to Islamabad, they are definitely bad. A bad Taliban can become good, by moving away from Islamabad and towards Jalalabad. North Waziristan is also quite acceptable. Kurram is fine; with the added advantage of fighting shirk in the Turi area. Tarbela Ghazi is definitely unacceptable. As of last year, Swat and Boner are also off limits.
Pakistan is a forward looking country. We believe in peace and prosperity for our population. The national ideology is based on Islam, IMF, tolerance, spot fixing, nuclear technology and soft strategic depth.
Good Taliban have a role in our vision of the future. They will be provided the best modern education in the Binnori Town Mosque and Darul Ulum Haqqania. For advanced post graduate studies, Muridke is the greatest seat of learning in South Asia. This highly competitive centre will equip them with all the skills they need to rise and prosper in the modern society. These include the expert wielding of a carving knife and of Semtex™. Only a select few can aspire to be trained in the techniques of a martyrdom mission.
As mentioned above, all the good Taliban must realise that their sphere of activity has to move to the west of Indus and east of Sutlej. Lahore and Islamabad have a different role to play in the national project. Explosive devices are not of help in public spaces of these regions. They require institutions like Beacon House schools, Civil Services Academies, PMA Kakool and 111 Brigade.
Darul Ulum Haqqania and Aitcheson College, both have a role to play in the nation’s future under the sagacious and watchful guidance of our armed forces.
Eid Mubarak to Af-Pak
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