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A Quick Fix

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Now, I am telling you in all honesty. Mr Lokat came to see me the night before last. This was just after the angel of God came to me, to apprise me that the players were innocent and were born of virgin births. I offered Mr Lokat peaches, I offered him plums. He complained of the apartheid regime inflicted on the poor people of South Africa for decades by these same white people who are now conspiring to undermine our nandrolone powered reverse swing and the hysteric British media baying for Asian blood.

But look what he does as soon he gets home. He gets a text message from Sharad Pawar and writes a five page letter, banning the players.

The videos are fake. It is a set up. Mazhar Majeed is married to an Indian. The Fake Shaikh is an Indian. Sharad Pawar is an Indian. All the bookies are Indians. Those who are not, are Jews. Do you need to know any more?

I met the players over breakfast for two hours. They confirmed what I already knew and what the angel of God had told me. They have been victims of this monstrous set up. Sending texts is no crime. All kids do it. Mazhar Majeed is a predator stalking impressionable young kids. I have put a panic button on their mobile phone which they can press as soon as they suspect a Hindu Jewish conspiracy.

I have asked them to withdraw from the remaining matches. Butt Sahib thought otherwise, but I asked him to keep his butt out of it. The players would be much better off sitting in Aitakaf to regain contact with the Maker and to avoid contact with the Scot Land Yard, till this thing blows over. I have found them bomb proof hujras in the high commission, where no text messages or lapel cameras can penetrate. The hujras are next to the reinforced nuclear bunker containing the 12 cartons from Geneva.

Having Swiss bank accounts is not a crime. It is the democratic right of every individual. Carrying cash is not a crime. Buying dowry for one’s sisters is an ancient and endearing eastern custom. It is part of our culture. Swiss accounts are part of our glorious heritage and ancient custom. Sometimes angels of God deposit money into them to reward his devotees, up to an amount of sixty million dollars. We are ordinary mortals. We cannot question the wisdom of God.

The High Commission has everything under control. We are used to dealing with the law. We are used to dealing with cartons from the days of Rockwood Estate. We are used to dealing with fixes. We are the scions of a five thousand year old civilisation where everything is fixed, from the price of sugar to the parliamentary elections. There is no need to hyperventilate on spot fixing.

I want to make it clear that I am not snorting cocaine, but if you want a fix, come to the gatekeeper and ask for the High Commissioner.

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