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Classified Ads

By: Hakim Hazik

Michelin Tyres for Better Burning:

For better results, buy Michelin tyre, burns longer with severely acrid smoke to rip out your lungs. Customer satisfaction guaranteed.  Money back if does not burn to your satisfaction or within 30 days if not used. Must be returned in original packing.

Note: terms and conditions apply. Must not be used for locomotion. Keep away from the reach of children.

FREEFor every buyer: 2 American flags, pretreated with special formula for efficient burning.



For the first time in your city. You can now dial a disappearance. Available for university professors, journalists, NGOs, and Chechen nationals. Make your bookings now. (You must be 18 or above to make a booking. Use untraceable SIM with owner’s permission)

Website: SensitiveAgency.com

Cable: Walnutabad


Personal Security:

Armed body guards are available for petrol stations, banks, mosques and schools. Highly trained not to take prisoners. Equipped to the highest standards with Kalashnikovs and pump action shotguns. Will obliterate the face of the intruder. References are available on requests. Most are decorated veterans of primary school teaching. Call now to avoid disappointment

Genocide Associates, DHA Lahore


Ittefaq Foundary Presents:

High quality nuts, including the world famous Rana Sanaullah. Also please see our new line in kitchenware Krak Pot™ which includes the award winning Chief Servitor brand, will quickly expose and isolate the black kettles. Can be used to beat disobedient wives and DCOs.


Suicide Vests Going Cheap:

Works of exquisite craftsmanship. Hand made, unique design, easy to pull trigger, does not require bending of head. Does not leave a crater. No body parts identifiable. Tested in actual situations in Qandahar and Orakzai. Home delivery available. A product of Waziristan Textiles™. Winner of the London Fashion Week. Finalist in the Madrid Festival.


Change of Name:

My name has been wrongly entered on the National Identity Card as Hakeemullah Mahsood. This should be corrected and in future I should be called by my actual name, Ashfaq Pervez Kayani.

Ashfaq Pervez Kayani 

Camp Office,


Drone Co-ordinates:

33.6000° N, 73.0500° E

For Sale:

20 tonnes of pure ammonium nitrate, already packed in 20 kg sacks. Ideal for all the autumn and spring crops and high class IED’s. Can be delivered to the site of use. We have won the national export award of Pakistan for land exports to neighbouring countries and the World Bank award for reconstruction in Afghanistan.

Please contact:

Syed Barood ul Islam,

MD, Pak Arab Fertilizers



Car for Sale:

Suzuki Cultus, 2010, grey, 1900 kilometers, central locking, genuine imported alloy rims. Ideal for car bombing, ramming into road blocks and getaway after bank robberies. Please call, Naeev Hasan at 0333 08956 (No brokers.)


Plot Needed:

A 100 acre piece of land is needed by a prestigious educational institution to impart training in modern pure and social sciences and advanced defense studies. Easy access to the motorway and air/sea port facilities would be desirable. Please contact.

H. M. Saeed

LET University of Management Sciences

Muridke, Chauburji, New York



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