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Dajjal for Beginners

By: Hakim Hazik


Dear Readers,


Today we will show you how to catch dajjal in five easy and practical steps. 


Catching dajjal has recently become a very popular pastime among people who love the great outdoors. You will have seen various manuals, guides and self help books, some of them of questionable quality, on the very same topic. Although this can be a risky pursuit, if done properly and with expert guidance, there is no reason why it should not become a safe, rewarding and gratifying experience. 


You will need the following essential items:


Yajooj Majooj


A TV anchor (Only slightly unbalanced)


An IQ of at least 33


A red cap with tassels


Maria B


A critical decision, before you set out on this adventure is which arena to choose for the hunt. There was a time when Dajjal used to roam freely in the vast plains of the Punjab, right up to the foot hills of Himalayas. 


Babar writes in his Tuzk1 that he saw rhinos, elephants and dajjals in the Soon Valley. In fact he opines that in a fight between a rhino and a dajjal, a dajjal would prevail. Unfortunately, with the advent of wide spread agriculture and establishment of canal colonies, the natural dajjal habitats have dwindled and now it is only seen in game reserves such as Express News National Park. 


Dr Oriole Maqbool Jan is the world’s leading expert in this field. He says that the world’s finest specimens are now found in the Express News National Park. If you are not careful, they can advance upon you on the sly and eat all your ratings and you will be left holding the 4th wage board award. Therefore, if  you are camping out you must always have an adequate supply of denunciations and you must take care to keep your fatwas dry. 


One would be greatly amiss, not to pay tribute to the doyen and the veritable patron saint of the  dajjal industry, Dr. Shahid Makhboot who revived a passion which at one time in our history was the high point of civilizational achievement, going back to the golden Abbasid Age. 


In our zeal for Dajjal, there is a great danger that we will ignore the basic principles of sustainable development and put at risk, scores of anchors whose livelihood would be wiped out if this awesome creature were to disappear. Herein lies the invaluable contribution made by the world famous conservationists, who have brought this threatened species back from the brink of extinction. Prominent among those are, Syed Zaid Windbag Hamid and Dr Aamir Hamaqat Husain. 


So here is how it goes:


You should choose an arena such as a PEMRA approved private channel. Promise your audience that the end of the world has arrived and will be implemented during the commercial breaks and at the end of the programme. Choose a presenter from among the great public intellectuals mentioned above. Get some pop corn. Get some archival Hollywood footage, with heavy bass sound effects. Voila, you are ready to roll. 


All that now remains is to get some designer black flags (we would recommend Abu Muslim KhurasaniTM), some thermonuclear re-mated weapons (fifteen to twenty will do) and Imam Mehdi. From then on, it is a quick scoot to Jerusalem, via Damascus and the everlasting Millennium. 


Happy Hunting. 



1. Babar Nama, (Vol. I), Babar, ZUM. Apocalypse Publishers, Urdu Bazar, Lahore.


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