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Djinn and Tonic

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik


Prof. Oriole Maqbool Jan is the executive director and the founder president of the Dajjal Group of Industries. He has successfully resisted the hostile takeover bid from the consortium consisting of Dr Shahid Makhboot, Dr Mad Hamid and Dr Aamir Hamaqat Hussain, and increased the profits for the beleaguered industry that was in doldrums since the Abbotabad raid.


Viewpointonline’s Hakim Hazik caught up with him in the traditional Dajjal National Polo Tournament which has taken place since times immemorial the world’s highest polo field in the Dunya News Network. Read on.


Malala has been used as a cat’s paw by the West to discredit Dajjal. How do you think the industry has responded?


The West has been trying to undermine the East ever since the establishment of the anti Islamic heliocentric system by Copernicus and Salman Rushdi. The Ummah must resist with all its might. Malala posits a special challenge as she is good at faking neurological injuries. We must rise to this challenge with the help of Musharka, Mudarba and Veena Malik. They are three of our star performers in the iconic Big Boss show. Dajjal is a very important sector of our economy. Thousands of anchors, newspaper journalists and sound effects technicians would become destitute if it was to go out of business. Alhamdulillah, we have produced enough foam at the mouth to keep the industry afloat till the establishment of caliphate in Khurasan. 


Do you think Malala should have accepted the offer of a meeting from the apostate Obama, while his father still lives in Kenya?


I think you hit the nail on the head. Like Zia Uddin, Obama’s father has left his offspring at the mercy of the West. This bodes ill for the interfaith dialogue. I think that Richard Olson should be called to the foreign office and be reprimanded in the presence of a Dajjal representative. Malala must also be asked to explain the Salala attack and why the Jews did not go to work on 9/11. 


Why do you think the West has staged the shooting of Malala?


A fourteen years old girl obviously cannot arrange her own shooting. She had the help of CIA, Pentagon, Hollywood and Brimingham City Libraries. As is well known, these are all organisations, infiltrated by Jews and funded by the Elders of Zion as well as by Malik Riaz. They have funded her trip to Birmingham and to the UN. Our sources tell us that a trip to Monte Carlo is planned. They will go to any lengths to besmirch Islam. The West is bent upon the ethnic cleansing of Muslims. We must resist by shooting all fourteen year olds in the head and martyr bombing all the polio workers. That will be a befitting reply to the aggression of the West. 



What do you think is the real agenda behind this affair?


The real agenda, clearly, is to take away our minimal strategic nuclear deterrent and discredit our armed forces. This can be seen when uncircumcised RAW agents, disguised as Taliban, are filmed beheading our frontline soldiers using bread knives and the banned Occam’s Razor. This is a clear violation of the Geneva Convention and the international convention against Occam’s Razor. My group of industries will resist with all its might.


Do you think we can narrow the technology gap with the West?


We are making rapid progress in R&D. Our Water Car Division will soon start production, as soon as Agha Waqar is back from the business trip to Toyota in Japan. The power production unit is about to come online with the inauguration of its first plant called Jinn PowerTM. This is headed by Sultan Bashir Uddin Mahmood who has also done pioneering work on technology to remove sunspots by using halal cleansing lotion based on Jinn and Tonic. May Allah give him the best of rewards. 


Hakim Hazik is involved in media studies, having qualified from an English medium school.  He is passionate about Dajjal and other threatened species including the Indus Dolphin and the Noon League Tiger. He is convinced that Malala was behind Salala. 


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