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Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The place of Muslim women is inside the house. It is the duty of men to supervise over them, to provide them with food and look after their well being and security. They are responsible for the provision of niqab, abaya, burqa, jilbab, chastity belts, handcuffs, shackles and other devices of women’s liberation.

Women must never cut their hair. This is a matter of grave concern to the elders of the Ummah that some wayward women are adopting western hairstyle. This is an anathema. If they are allowed to have their way, the whole edifice of the Ummah will be shaken to its foundations.

They must never travel without a mahram. It would be much better if they never travelled at all. The only time when a Muslim woman is allowed to travel is to her grave when she is dead.

Man is the sole breadwinner of the house. It is his duty to earn the resources to support his family, provide them with food, house them in a place bought with sharia compliant mortgage. Invest in Islamic banking companies such as Taj Company, where all Muslims should deposit their lifetime earnings, so that they gain interest free profit in this world and untold benefits in the world hereafter. Usually only the untold benefits in the world hereafter.

Men should shave their moustaches and grow their beards. The length of body hair should not exceed the size of a millet seed. Maxi-Pak seed is against Sharia. It is a Jewish conspiracy. Norman Borlaug was a devil, out to destroy and undo the House of Islam.

In an equitable society, widows and orphans would be provided for by the Baitul Mal. Pious, god fearing government functionaries would deliver monthly stipend on horseback, during vacation from mandatory jihad against the infidel. This will be gratefully received by destitute women in jilbabs who will look at them in admiration from the corner of the piously covered left eye, strictly in accordance with the fatwa from Deoband.

Women should not drive. This can lead to fitna. Fitna is everywhere. I found one under my bed the other day. We must guard against fitna and protect our women against it. If it takes hold of our women, this will be the end of Islamic Ummah as we know it. We would prefer that men did not drive either. An exception can be made to drive in emergencies but only to a distance of up to 78 kilometres, such as when driving a car bomb to its intended destination.

Sania Mirza’s legs are a clear and present danger to the House of Islam. All ulemas are united in their condemnation of this atrocity in the name of sports. Many of the senior ulema have suffered grievous heart attacks due to this wanton display of lower limbs. Many junior members of the ulema faculty have had their ablutions broken and missed their prayers. This outrage on the honour of Islam will not be tolerated.

Issued by:

Maulana Sami ul Haq Sandwichi

Darul Uloom Deoband


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