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Imam Kalashnikov


 Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik


Imam ul Ummat, the chosen of God and the leader of the faithful, Sheikh Mikhael Timofeyevich Kalashnikov was born in the sacred region of Altai, in the Vilayat of Russia in 1919. He saw action on the Western front, against the infidel Panzer division, which led to confusion and catastrophe in the legions of the Faith. He retired therefore to his Black Sea dacha to ponder over the grave challenges facing the Ummah. After deep reflection and intense meditation, he was led by the God Almighty to the path of success and salvation. He became the inventor of the AK 47 sub machine gun.  


This epochal invention has become the most prized possession of the Ummah over the years. East of Urals, it has achieved an iconic status among countless believers in the Hindukush, Gandhara and Inuds sultanates where Fiqh Kalashankofia has replaced the older fiqhs to provide motivation, peace and comfort to its devotees. 


When the blessed Red Army crossed the Oxus, the foundation was laid for an Islamic Renaissance in the region. General Mustache ul Haq was the emir of the Indus Vilayat. He has already established his reputation for piety and justice by executing blackguards who propagated satanic notions of democracy and constitution to spread unrest and rift among the believers. Because of the essential unity of Ummah, he wanted to play his part in the unfolding saga and therefore established five thousand Kalashankofia seminaries across Indus and Hindukush. 


By the grace of the Almighty, these seminaries have thrived, increasing in number to about forty thousand today. They have been generously supported by the pillar of the Ummah, the doyen of humane decapitation, the champion of below wrist amputation, the custodian of the House of God and the scourge of the house of parliament, Malik Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz. (God preserve his shadow).


His indomitable courage and peerless vision has been a source of strength and comfort to the other pious and just rulers in the Ummah, including Sheikh Hammad bin Isa Al-Khalifa, the Emir of the Holy Causeway and of the Consecrated Formula One. 


The Army of the Indus, needs to do its part. It has left in waves of C-130 (™Lockheed Mudarba), to shore up the defences of the Ummah and to fire at the serried ranks of the infidels in the Pearl Square, as they surge forward shouting obscene slogans such as adult suffrage, bicameral legislature and universal human rights. The submachine gun will teach these deviants to love their country and obey their divine ruler. 


Meanwhile, back in Indus, the law and order will be preserved at all costs. Let there be no doubt about the law. The law is whatever issues forth from the mouth of the Field Marshall, General Avatar Parvez of Kayani dynasty. You should try to abide by it, unless you want to experience the impact of the Holy Boot in your scrawny flank or the that of a Rangers’ Bullet in your worthless pelvis. 


The great sage and the poet-philosopher, Iqbal had dreamt of unity of the Ummah from Nile to Kashghar. Imam Kalashnikov helped us realize this dream. 


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