Extraordinary Rendition
By: Hakim Hazik
Dear General Kayani Sahib, Emir of the armies of the Faith, may the shadow of the Almighty envelop you; Dear General Pasha Sahib, may good luck and auspicious prospects favour you; Dear Hafiz Saeed Sahib, my guardian, benefactor, teacher and leader, may the Almighty allow me to be the dust under your blessed feet forever. Please accept my greetings
I am safe and sound in the Arthur Road prison. We had the identity parade this morning. Praise be to God, I was identified by 33 witnesses. This is a matter of great pride and joy for me that I have, with the help of my fellow holy warriors, struck deep into the heart of the House of Denial. Deeper than the last great warrior, Sultan Mahmood Kasab, of Ghazni,who smashed the idols in Somnath, a thousand years ago.
I have lost all my 9 colleagues. The loss on the other side has been nearly 200. At this rate we will rid the whole of India of sin and infamy in thirty four thousand years, and it will be ready to become the House of Peace.
I have received the great news from Swat. I have heard that the divine caliphate has been proclaimed and the decadent and corrupting education for girls will be banned from the 15th of January. The women will be confined within the decent and virtuous limits of the veil and four walls and the purity and survival of Ummah will be ensured.
I have also received the glad tidings that the English schools in Peshawar have been blown up. This is tremendous progress in the path of one true God. Very soon, God willing, Islamabad will be at our feet and the strategic and tactical nuclear weapons will be available to strengthen the whole of Ummah.
I am very grateful that you have taken my parents into protective custody, and thrown a siege around Farid Kot. They are simple village folk and easily taken in by the wily and irresponsible media. Please make sure that the irresponsible elements in the media have their legs broken. It may be best to shut down all the satellite channels with the exception of the PTV and please make Maulana Masood Azhar the managing director.
I am worried that the information minister is doing great harm to the Ummah, by showing her face in public. She should cover her face with veil made out of the coarse but practical Farid Kot cotton, instead of cheap lipstick and low quality mascara. She should also refrain from wearing the faithless nail varnish, which will lead her to difficulty in this world and the other.
I would propose that the ministry of information should be abolished and replaced with the ministry of recitation. The ministry should ensure that a recitation cycle of the blessed verse is repeated 10 million times every Thursday, on date stones, to ward of the evils besetting the Ummah.
Down with English schools, long live date stones.
Your Obedient Pupil.
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