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Mrs Bakhtiar Was Pushed

Extraordinary Rendition 

11th September, 2001 was another fateful day in the history of revolution, which gave a new impetus to the emancipation and empowerment of masses. The noted humanist and social activist, Mr Armitage got in touch with the Great Leader, and conveyed to him the love and affection of the American public for the revolution and for its leaders. As a small token of this affection, he offered that the country could be bombed back to the Stone Age. The Great Leader, General Tinpot said (at the risk of sounding ungrateful), that actually the country was already there. He showed him a large collection of stones, which had been thrown at him by the masses, in delirious adulation. Mr. Armitage was convinced that this would be a most beneficial action, as the only gift of Pakistan to the human civilisation were lower Palaeolithic flint tools from the Soan Valley, before Imran Khan invented the reverse swing (with the help of Coca Cola bottle tops, he added: An American contribution).

It seemed obvious to the revolutionary council that a reorientation of the national policy was desirable; the question was to what degree. The nice round figure of 180 degrees was thought appropriate. Unfortunately many of the field operatives, who had worked in the Afghan Jihad, had to be retired. This was promptly achieved with a bullet in the back of the head.

A change of direction in the cultural policy was a bigger challenge. It was decided that the naatia musahairas, mashaikh conferences, and tablighi ijtimas had served their purpose. Instead, it was desirable that fashion shows, rock concerts and sports activities should be promoted. Mr Armitage assured General Tinpot that America and God were firmly on the side of the revolution, and he could speak on the behalf of both. The Great Leader wistfully mentioned that this was evocative of Mr. Brzezenski’s statement on the eve of Afghan Jihad, for which a million Afghan martyrs gave their blood, although the cultural emphasis of  those times was decidedly different. He agreed that the purpose was the same, i.e. empowerment of masses and spread of democracy.

A special ministry was created in the revolutionary government, to promote the softer image of Pakistan, under the learned and enlightened leadership of Mrs. Parachute Bakhtiar, also known for her love of endurance sports. It was called the Ministry of Truth. Because of her sweet nature, and empathy, she was also entrusted with looking after the victims of rape. She carried out this duty with true professionalism and diligence. She looked after their travel documents, press statements, exit control lists and housing arrangements, sometimes having to protect them against undesirable media attention and shady foreigners. Her spectacular fall therefore came as a complete surprise. There is a raging debate among the contemporary historians, about the cause of this fall. Some say that she jumped herself, off an aircraft. The emerging consensus, though, seems to be that she was pushed. However her ministry achieved its aim. Pakistan’s soft image is now known to be soft as pulp.


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