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The Gospel of St. Woolmer

By: Hakim Hazik

In the beginning God created the ECB.

As an afterthought and due to media pressure he created the BCCI and the PCB. To give a surprise to the angels who were bored to the point that they were talking to the bookies, he created Ijaz Butt. He ordered him to take abode in the Garden of Eden Housing Society (later merged into Defence Housing Authrority). He advised to him to watch the calories he ate and never to go near the forbidden tree of the Knowledge of the Good the Bad and the Ugly. From his rib he created the rib eye steak. He thrived in this garden and became the vicegerent of God on earth.

There was a serpent in the grass of the Garden of Eden. He was called Mazhar Majeed and was an enemy of God, as he had a dual nationality which he refused to surrender till his gonads were crushed at the orders of the Supreme Court. He came to entice the vicegerent at the behest of the Great Satan, Rupert Murdoch who was in hoc to the biggest Satan of all, Sharad Pawar.

Together, these Satans decided to flout the supremacy of the Lord God and Lord Chief Justice and prayed on the innocent to fix the test at the Lords. So it came to pass that three pious young men, favoured of God, fell into their trap and thence to Wandsworth Prison.

One of these martyrs was Mohammad Asif. had He been blessed by the Lord God to have the highest quality nandrolone delivered at his doorstep, till he committed  insolence towards God and Veena Malik and became a castaway, left wandering in the wilderness of forty years.

The Lord decided to wreak vengeance on the perfidious English for their misdeeds. This was visited upon them in the shape of Hashim Amla. This was the greatest massacre in the history of the island since the massacre of the Danelaw a thousand years ago. The Oval was strewn with the remains of the infidel who were destroyed by a most just extermination and the pious flag of SA waved and waved on the Tower of London.

Meanwhile in Multan, the faithful had joined Inzamamul Haq for a chilla. This meant going to Glasgow and spreading the message of civilization in the godless Scottish glens, as the Celtic nation were completely bereft of the True Faith and of cricket; for it is written in the Holy Book of Wisden that man does not live by Single Malt alone but also by the beard that grows on the face of the Tablighi brother.

Verily, Amla is the second holy warrior to emerge from the blessed Cape. The first one was Syed Bob Ali Woolmer of blessed memory, who fell to the infidel sword in the battle field of Jamaica. Surely, the boys were toast when the Lord God who was, by mere coincidence, working as the commissioner of the constabulary on that day, intervened personally and put them on the plane to New York.

And so it is written that those who are the fovoured of God will avoid follow on and will sip warm beer in the pavilion, as the shadows lengthen on the cricket grounds. The word of God will spread from Raiwind to Trent Bridge, and the soul of St. Woolmer will smile in heaven as Inzamam ul Haq shaves his upper lip and Mushtaq Ahmed holds his Walima.

Praise the Lord.



Comments (1) -

Imran Paraguay, on 8/31/2012 8:42:26 AM Said:

Why dont you write on the most honest man on earth, Mr Armstrong, Why a simple soul like Hashim Amla? Are you suffering from inferiority complex?

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