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The Ides of the Long March

Letter to Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik


Ya Akhi,


The Shaikh ul Tim al Horton is creating mischief and fitna on a grand scale. He is inciting the crowds to commit murder in the name of Islam. This cannot be allowed to go on. He lures young people with his visions of paradise so that they leave their homes and head towards D chowk disturbing the peace of the land and of the House of Ittefaq. 


As you know that the that the Shaikh started his career as my paid servant in the Ittefaq mosque and was thrown out because he was teaching the kids kamasutra whilst calling it  tajweed. It is true that I carried him up to the Hira cave. I wish I had never brought him back down. He has notions of disobedience and rebellion, but most importantly, Your Majesty, he works for a fee. He will write fatwas and take long haul flights to feed his blind ambition.


The Prodigal Brother is trying to talk to him. I say to him, talk to the people who bought him the ticket. Only they can pull the rug from under his feet. They will ask for their pound of flesh. I think we should give them Brother Tinpot and we should give them The Private Channel and then we can have the head of the pesky Shaikh on a platter. We should pick a leaf out of the book of Brother AZ. As I return home from Umra I will go for a ziarat and a bai’ah to Baitul Bilawal and sit at his sagacious feet, Inshallah. 


Peace and salutations be on the Aal e Saud and Aal e Shaikh. 


As you know that Aal e Imran have dispersed in the land and are spreading disorder.  Dear Brother in Islam, this is being funded by money in suitcases. As you know, your brother was a beneficiary in the past. Alas, the times of Brother Hameed Gul are long gone. The Aal e Imran should know that the times of Brother Zaheer ul Islam will not last either. The road they are following, does not go to the Prime Minister’s House. It goes to the House of Tara Maseeh by way of the dark cell in Adyala. 


Jalalatul Mulk, 


I think your Bhabi is a Zionist from Bani Israel. She is actually pleased that you have banned the muwatinoon from marrying the women from the Republic. She does not like my buying an iPhone and talking to the American journalists. I wish you had banned the Republic women sooner and that would have been a great service to the world peace. To be honest, I think you should ban women altogether. There are plenty of camels in the Kingdom for comfort and companionship. As a token of my allegiance, please find attached a dromedary from the desert of Cholistan.


May Allah Protect the Ummah from Bani Israel and Bani Gala.


Your Humble, Tribute Paying Brother


Prime Minister of the Republic,

(At the time of writing)



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