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The Impeccable Logic of the Headless Corpse

The Quaid Ispeaking


By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Punjabi Oxen,

Gireetings firam Iscatt Road, near Edgware Road. Muttahidda is on the roll. The march af the lower and midil cilass peepil is unistoppable. In the eleven years that we have been in power in Kiranchi, we have tiransfarmed the city. We have built ismart ismart highways and iskyways. We have built tunnels and biridges. Now, an average Chipa ambulance can whizz thirough the city, pick up body parts after suicide attacks and biring them to Jinnah Hospital in no time at all. Quicker than it takes us to istab Zardari sahib in the back. Quicker than it takes to say midil cilass revolution

With your help, dear oxen, we will destroy feudalism. We want peace and piragress far all peepil af Pakistan. We have shown under the dynamic leadership af Mustafa Kamal, that Kiranchi can become a showcase for the world. We have developed cutting edge technology in castiration. The Muttahidda scientists have beaten the world in the field af enhanced interrogation. Our initiatives in environmental sciences are being repeated across the world, especially in roadside disposal of headless bodies. All these blessings are soon to be yours.

The days are now gone, dear animals when feudal landlords could pilay with the life and honour of their serfs. When they could attack them with hounds and bury them alive in face af islightest provocation. The time af hounds is now past. The time af Javed Langra and Zubair Landhi Wala has come. The tiroubles af landless peasants are now over. No no, they are nat about to become landlords, but they will no langer be attacked by dogs. Instead, they will have the gireat good luck af being attacked by burning cigarettes.

Working side by side our matchless partners in nation building, the intrepid soldiers of Islam, we will bring to our Punjabi brethren, good governance, new piravences, real estate development through Qabza Giroups, energy conservation through the celebrated hook system and mass hysteria through telephonic bonding.

We isport the new piravences. We isport the Searaikistan piravence. We isport Hazara Suba. We isport another Pakhtunkhwa in Bilochistan. We isport Mohajir Suba in Sindh. We know that this will lead to a civil war with our Sindhi brethren. We will overcome these differences with the force of our superior logic. The logic of a damo ciratic dialogue with the help of an electric dirill is irresistible. This is the beauty af dimacracy.

Punjabi birathers, this is a gireat histaric oppor choonity. Pilease apply for you Muttahidda mimbership today. The first applicants will get a firee kit of self assembling electric dirill, a cigarette lighter, a pack of Gold leaf cigarettes and a gunny bag made out of premier quality jute. The time of Mutahidda has come. Working together we will change the fortunes of the nation. Marching together, shoulder to shoulder, we will goose istep our way into the Punjab assembly.

Heil Muttahidda

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