Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Glad tidings to the faithful. Father Christmas is here. He wears white and not red and brings goodies for the believers wrapped up in khaki and not tinsel. Very soon he will kiss the Field Marshal,  under the branch of mistletoe and with the waving of the silver topped cane with the regimental monogram, the two will be joined in holy matrimony to love and to cherish in sickness and in health, in war and in peace,  during marshal law and civilian rule, so help them God.

The honeymoon will take place in Islamabad, for an extended period of ninety days at the sprawling estate of the father of the bride, at the constitution avenue. 

The Santa has gifts for every body, even for the Godless citizens of Islamabad and apostate cult of Lal Masjid. He is setting off right now on his reindeer and will be arriving at the toll plaza in eighteen days time. After feeding and watering his mount at Tarnol, he will do a short march towards the president’s house, where the reindeer will be retired and he will  make his entry on a black goat, as demanded by the presidential protocol. 

Santa has promised revolution for this Christmas. Santa’s assistants have spread across the world and examined the wide variety of revolutions, on offer or available during the after Christmas sales. They have looked at the French, the Russian and the Iranian variety but have eventually decided on the Betel Leaf variety, which has taken the Edgware Office by storm. The original developer, the Quaid e Tehreek has kindly offered the patent to the denizens of Islamabad. 

Santa does not discriminate among his children. They can be rich or poor, civil or military, his love and affection is for all. He is for the Blasphemy Law and against the Blasphemy Law. He is for democracy and for the army. He is for justice and for the judges. He can serve Mammon and serve God. He likes Capital Punishment and likes to live in the Capital. 

Do not be taken in by Santa’s beard. It is detachable and can easily be pressed into service to suit different occasions. It has been used in the past to bring solace and comfort to the previous spouse, General Mustache ul Haq, currently buried in the Jawbone Square and  the late lamented General Tinpot, currently buried in a crypt underneath the Dubai Palm where visitors come to pay homage on their royal yachts and luxury goats. 

Some say the the beard was originally manufactured by special appointment in the Ittefaq Foundries. It attracted an enormous number of devotees in its initial public offering, becoming very popular among younger male followers, at the Ittefaq Masjid. Now a days, it carries the imprint of the Her Majesty’s Stationary Office, prominently displaying the Lion and the Unicorn in the service of the Ummah. 

The DIFID are sending valuable gifts for the diffident couple. It was them who set the ball rolling in the first place, by paying half a million pound sterling for the dowry. 

The giants of the film world including the luminaries of Hollywood will attend including Nakoula Bassely Nakoula, Ehsan Ullah Ehsan and Francis Ford Cupola. 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.