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The Throne of Kayani

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

‘From the drinking of camel milk and eating of lizards, the bloody civilian has reached a stage where he dreams of the throne of Kayani. Woe betide the day it happens.’ (Firdausi)

We have consulted with the magnificent Sultan of the Golden Horn, our Turanian brother, General Pasha and also with numerous generals of the realm, in their serried Corps Commander chairs, emblazoned with honours of military rule. We have come to the conclusion that we will not allow this upstart from Ind and Sind, from the godforsaken dusty town of Nawab Shah to aspire for the ancient throne of the just Kayani kings.

All such cowardly attempts will be foiled. General Pasha is watching in his magic cup. Nothing is hidden from his royal electronic eye. His just and pious ears are attuned to the magical surveillance microphones. He is aware of the thoughts you have not thought yet. He can kill the conspiracies not yet hatched.

Don’t even dream of any mischief through the Interior Ministry. If you do, you will be pulled out of your bed at three in the morning, when you are in your underwear and drunk on a diet of hateful little stratagems. You will feel the cold steel of an army handgun in your hindquarters. The message is simple. Don’t fall prey to your unbridled lust for power. Power belongs to the Almighty God, who has given it in his grace to his chosen few. Don’t mess with General Pasha.


We would like every subject in the length and breadth of the empire to know. Do not try to enlist the infidel to your petty mischief. Do not think that you own the world if you have acquired a few shekels from the enemies of the faith. Do not force us to unsheathe the sword of our justice.

We have our subjects, loyal to their last drop of blood in the domestic as well as in the foreign lands. Altaf Bhai has sent his obeisance. He will never sign the NRO that this despicable pretender to the throne, the enemy of the faith is yearning to get approved. Loyalty in our subjects will never go unrewarded. Altaf Bhai will keep his liege in Karachi. He will get more in Baltistan. Such are the rewards for those who walk on the righteous path. We bring glad tidings to Kamran Khan as well.

We hope and pray that the insurgency that has engulfed the capital will soon die down, as these ruffians see the hopelessness of their cause and desist from breaching the peace of our empire. We are warning you now. If your resist, you will be struck by the edge of the sword. Blood will flow like water. We warn the enemy to come out of their hideouts, including from The Interior Ministry as well as the Foreign Ministry.

The march of the Army of the Faithful is about to begin.



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