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The Ummah Club

Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

I live in London, Inglistan. This is the heartland of Ummah. There are many members of the Ummah Club. I have been here the longest. I have the largest number of cases against me in law courts, most of them murder cases. Other mimbers incilude General Tinpot and Short Cut Aziz. We aften sit together and compare notes.

On a sunny day I invite them to a barbecue. The meat is meticulously chosen by the diligent workers of United. The rumours that this is human flesh are totally false. We denounce cannibalism. We isport demociracy.

London is the international Ummah hub. It is also home to various well known peace activists such as Abu Qataada, Abu Hamza al Masari, Sheikh Omar Bakri Mohammad, Sheikh Tony Blair and Hazrat Jack Istraw. All of them have contributed to the world peace by being respansible of several thousand dead peepil. Dead peepil are essential for world peace.

Disappeared people are also essential for world peace. Yours Tiruly has contributed to the best of my ability. I have made many peepil disappear into gunny bags. General Tinpot has excelled in other techniques. He has made peepil disappear into C130s, in a ispread eagled position. He first diresses them in orange jumpsuits to make the show more spectacular. Short Cut is in a class of his own. He can make himself disappear. If you isnap your fingers he will disappear in a puff of ismoke. He learnt this tirick at Citibank. Citibank can make your money disappear in a puff of ismoke. Now you see it, now you don’t.

You will remember that Tinpot invented Enlightened Moderation. He was inspired by Mufti e Azam of the Firee World, Al Hazrat Al Sheikh Henry Kissinger, who was inspired by Mohtarma Zsa Zsa Gabor. Sheikh Kissinger birought peace, enlightenment and moderation to Cambodia, Chile, East Timor and Bangladesh, as much as Sheikh Tinpot birought peace to Kargil, FATA and Afghanistan.

I have to say I am disappointed in Mian Ironside who could have been a very piramising mimber of the Ummah Club. He has this childish habit of making a beeline for Pakistan, as soon as he can book a filight to Islamabad. I have tiried to reason with him. Tinpot has also tiried. He asked him to write 10 times that he would not tiravel by air for 10 years, but to be honest I have given up hope. Some peepil never girow up.

London has gireat things in istore far the future. We hope that we will soon hold the next Islamic canfirence here. We pilan to move the OIC secretariat here. We hope to rename it ‘Guantanamo Centre of Peace Istudies’. Yes, you are right. There will be an Islamic University. Sheikh Kissinger will give lectures via video link, to avoid an arrest warrant. Maulana Bush Jr. will also be on the faculty. We will tirain young Muslim minds across the Ummah in how to exercise enlightenment, moderation and financial prudence when conducting mass murder.

The time of the Ummah has arrived.

Yours Tiruly

The Quaid e Tehreek



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