Extraordinary Rendition
By: Hakim Hazik
Your Most Exalted Excellency, the Radiant Presence, the centre and the focus of my worship, the Mother and the Father of the Nation, welcome to the President’s house.
We are all gathered here today to confer on you the great honour of the Crescent of Quaid-e-Azam. Quaid-e-Azam was the greatest Muslim leader of the 20th century and before you, the Father of the Nation. He fought for the rights of the Muslims of the subcontinent and founded this state of Pakistan.
Ever since, we have crystallised his philosophy in the form of the Ideology of Pakistan. The people in our Eastern Wing opposed the Ideology of Pakistan, so we killed a million of them. The people in our frontier regions support the Ideology of Pakistan, so we will kill a million of them as well. This is a heart warming story, where our American friends have stood by us and supported us all the way through.
We are especially grateful your Excellency by the wonderful instrument of friendship, the Predator Drone, armed with the sleek Hellfire® missile, which links the destinies of our two nations. Over the past one year, this drone has struck a hundred and twenty five times, killing 3 terrorists and 300 hundred children. We thank you for this invaluable service and hope that the Frontier will be cleansed of all terrorists and children by the end of our term in office.
As you know, these drones are controlled by highly qualified and dedicated team located in the headquarters in Tampa, Florida. In view of the success of these missions, we have decided to shift the headquarters, also called the GHQ, of our valiant armed forces to Tampa. This will save our armed forces billions of rupees and achieve the unity of command, so keenly desired by them.
I have decided that the grounds vacated by them will be called Goldfinger Stables and house my polo ponies. This is in line with the best market principles and a continuation of our previous steps of shifting the nation’s capital to Dubai, the Sate Bank to Geneva and the education of children to Edinburgh.
As we know that our American friends are on the lookout for stooge in Islamabad. As our friends know we are on the lookout for more F16 aircraft. This allows the ideal convergence of national interests and is the basis of long and lasting friendship between our two nations.
I commend you, Your Excellency for bringing our two people closer together. As we speak, we know that the Americans are at Torkham very keen to get in. We also know that Pakistanis are at Fort Leavenworth, not very keen to get out. I pray that this partnership will continue and prosper.
I would like to take this opportunity to declare the cities of Wana and Tampa, twin cities. We will soon establish a youth exchange programme. The youth of Tampa will bring Hellfire® missiles, for a quick and easy death. The youth of Wana will carry local textile products, especially suicide jackets which cause colourful explosions and thus enthral the audience as they breathe their last.
Hellfire® Khapay.
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