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Ummah at Puberty

Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik


Nahmaduhu wa nusalli ala...


Praise be to Allah who created the broiler chicken which can be grilled to provide high value and low cholesterol nourishment to the faithful. Glory be to the master of the universe who allowed the halal calories to accumulate in the staid bottoms of the scholars of Islam, so that they can fill the pious chairs of the CII and can sift chaff from the kernels and truth from mischief.


The council met today with Maulana Polio of Akora Khatak in the chair. Also present were other highly regarded scholars such as Maulana Dengue and Maulana Rabies. Thus representing all the various schools of thought that the Ummah holds within its fold. Never have the eyes of the firmament seen such unity and brotherhood among the Ummah since the Bannu jail break. Allah be praised. 


The Chairman made it clear at the outset, that his interest in the broiler chicken and ibex goat is for nutritional purposes only and not of an amorous nature as has been falsely claimed by the unscrupulous media. However he said he respects the lifestyle choices of his brothers and colleagues in the Council and is against bigotry in public life.  


The council came to the unanimous conclusion that the Family and Marriage Act of 1962, introduced by the  apostate Ayub Khan was an atrocity against the basic pillar of Islam which is puberty. Islam is a complete code of life. As soon as the individuals achieve puberty, it is mandated that they assume the divine mission of procreation. Failing in this noble pursuit would be failing the Ummah and defying the Creator of the Universe. 



The Council noted with interest the various technical advances which are now available to the Ummah, including the massage technology, pioneered by the sister People’s Republic of China and the ingenious local initiatives taken by Madame Tahira. These modern practices can rejuvenate the faithful in the length and breadth of the Ummah and allow us to regain the lost glory of yonder years, Maulana Polio noted with relish. 



Maulana denied reports that there is lack of clarity among the decision makers. He acknowledge that the government needs to focus on the priorities. He expressed hope that lowering of the age of puberty will reawaken the interest of the honourable members in their primary duty towards the nation and they will re-double their efforts in procreation, so that the Ummah can be rescued from the jaws of conspiracies hatched by the enemies of Islam, including the WHO the and the Extended Programme of Immunisation. 



Mohtarma Veena Malik addressed the Council via video link. She commended the Council on its invaluable work and touched upon various aspects of the subject matter quoting original sources and her own research work published in the major, peer reviewed scientific journal, the FHM. She assured the Council of her full support and co-operation and announced the formation of a four member committee to oversee the implementation of  its recommendations. Apart from the Mohtarma, the committee will comprise of the renowned former models and current Al-Huda, scholars, Halala, Musharika and Mudariba who are famous in the Karachi Stock Exchange, Bollywood and the Eastern European B Movies market. Allama Ashmit Patel will be appointed the co-ordinator, wali and guardian.  


After the invigorating conference, the members of the Council have retired to salubrious environment of the parliamentary lodges for some well deserved rest and recreation. 


May Allah (SWT) shower its blessings on the Council (CII). (Not the ICC, on whom a thousand curses).



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