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United Arab Emirates of FATA


BY: Hakim Hazik


We went for a study tour of the Green zone. I took all members of the troop. Some of them were barely Tenderfoots. I was the only Eagle Scout. We were put up in this building overlooking the embassy. The boys worked on their proficiency badges for masonry and cooking during the day. At night we had the campfire on the fifth floor with some shooting practice. The boys are already good at RPGs. Scouting in much misunderstood in Kabul. We only bring a message of friendship and peace. Sir Pasha agrees. 


We spoke to him all the time on the mobiles. Fortunately the mobile towers were working. Some times they are switched off, and we have to use smoke and mirrors. We did much exchange of souvenirs with the American contingent and made many friends. We even gave them our SIM cards.  


Sir Pasha has been to a world jamboree in DC, where he had an opportunity to see the leading activists of the Movement. There was some disagreement on the best methods to achieve the world peace. Scout Master Mullen was advocating Daisy Cutters whereas Chief Scout Pasha favours IEDs. He did come back with a lot of gifts though, including stilts, limb prostheses and a plane load of patriotism. He held a patriotism rally in Islamabad. Mrs. Awan sang ‘Give peace a chance’ from her bed. She is the Chief Girl Guide. She loves John Lennon. Some people think she is Yoko Ono, but she has abandoned vegetarianism. 


We will soon hold an amputee sports day in Miran Shah. The last one was planned for Orakzai, but was cancelled at the last minute because a stoning ceremony came up. No, no, this had nothing to do with personal toiletry according to religious injunctions. This means that a young man and a women convicted of playing doctor were stoned to death. Great fun. 


Much better than hanging. Apparently Qadri is due to swing. Not in a hurry though. The Rawalpindi Bar think otherwise. They have visited the judge’s chambers for exchange of souvenirs and with a view to re-arrange his face. Unfortunately, he had left in an unmarked car to work on a new identity and a new passport. The bar opposes harsh sentences, except 27 bullets in the back by a boy scout in uniform. This applies to all fifth columnists; actually to all columnists who write about Sir Pasha. 


They also support lining up of pilgrims at the roadside and shooting them in the head, as is customary in Balochistan. They also support shooting doctors, as they treat their patients in their clinics and hanging christian womenfolk to release them from the indignity of bonded labour. They always take a principled stand. They oppose blasphemy. They oppose cartoons. They oppose spelling mistakes. Any one found  committing any of these misdeeds will receive 27 bullets in the back. Let there be no doubt. 


Sirajudin Haqqani

Chief Scout,

United Arab Emriates of FATA



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