Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The pious corps commanders have expressed in categorical terms that we will not take dictation from Satan and Admiral Mullen any more. We should declare that our sovereignty is supreme and inviolable, surrendered only to God and men of God such as Aiman al Zawahiri. We should return the nineteen dollars ninety nine, we had borrowed in good faith from the USA due to temporary cash flow problems. We should rely on our own resources. We should squeeze our population till the pips squeak. We should pray to Allah, the Sovereign of the universe and sustainer of the GDP. 

We know very well that the Americans want our strategic assets to be neutralized so that they can sell our nation in perpetual bondage to Benjamin Netanyahu and our sacred real estate (including phase V extension and phase X files) to Manmohan Singh. We will sacrifice the last drop of our blood but will let no harm come to our strategic assets, especially our golf courses. These are the assets which were dreamt of by our inspiring leaders such as Salah ud Din Ayubi, Chairman Mao and Malik Mumtaz Husain Qadri. 

Whatever comes in the way of our sovereignty will be swept away, including the Kerry Luger conspiracy, the Rehman Malik conspiracy, the Abbotabad conspiracy and the Saleem Shehzad conspiracy. As waves upon waves of conspiracies strike us in sorties, we will shoot them down, unless they fall of their own accord, in a peaceful manner with mutual negotiations on a sovereign basis. In this case we will return the wreckage. Islam is a religion of peace. 

The drones that take off form Shamsi don’t exist. They are created purely through the enemy propaganda and irresponsible media reporting. Shamsi does not exist either. Every time Mr Assange takes a leak, people die in Mir Ali and girls get raped in Stockholm. Ummah is shaken to its core. This can not be allowed in an Islamic society. This will be dealt with in due course. In the meanwhile, as the media matures slowly in the Sarai Alamgir School of Media Responsibility, we ask for Ummah’s forbearance. 

Extremism has taken hold of our society. This not what the Quaid had dreamed of. We have lost five thousand men in the war on terror. We can not allow the terror to spread any further. We will, Inshallah, rid the society of extremism and extremists. We will start with Asma Jahangir and move swiftly on to Absar Alam and Nusrat Javed. We have no interest in the mobile phone records. Our only ambition is to sell a SIM card for a hundred rupees in a CSD store. 

As long as our strategic assets are safe and prospering, we should be able to balance the current account through the brotherly support of Hojjat ul Islam Khamenie, in exchange for the retired centrifuges, Brother Kim Jong Il, in exchange for uranium hexafluoride, Comrade Hu Jin Tao, in exchange for Gawadar, and Sahib un Naft, Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz, in exchange for a few million acres of farmland. In this way, we can maintain our sovereignty without compromising our golf courses. 

We will never cut the branch on which we sit. We will never undermine the revolving chair on which we rest our staid bottoms.