Letter to the Queen

By: Asif Raja

To,

HRH

The Queen

Dear Ma'am,

I know you are patiently waiting to hear from me as to what happened to the gentleman's game in the home of cricket, Lords. Well, to be honest I was on call last Sunday night when I first came to know about the revelations and most of the week have been quiet dumbfounded with this "un-gentlemanly affair".

I know ma'am must have been deeply disturbed, given Uncle Phil's or love of the sport. Thank God, none of the boys ever followed in his footsteps. Although we know that Sister Anne is his favourite, being the busiest royal, and also the most frugal with the public purse, he perhaps thought that horse riding was quite enough given that she is a child of the conservative 50's.

Well, to move the matters on to cricket, I am still clueless as to how it all came to pass. My source in Lahore gets good information from someone called Goga who always rants about his next door neighbour, making millions whereas he is only selling bats and that too on discount, given the haggling by buyers like me.

Now I have it good authority, that the lords of the 18th century were throwing and fixing matches, the good doctor WG never walking and putting the bails back on; and off course the Aussies making £7,500 in 1981 whilst betting on the Headingly test at odds of 500:1. The beneficiaries were Messrs Lillie and Marsh, of all the people.

Whether it is a get rich quick, or do it as all the good Pakistani nation is up to it and for it , sheer stupidity, recklessness or the feeling that they are above the law are a few plausible explanations. Well, if the top man is at it then why blame the small fry? To quote Nicolas Cage in ‘Lord of War’, when caught for being an illegal arms dealer, “The president of the USA sells more arms than in one day than I do in the whole year".

Anyway, your Grand Vizier Cameron has already maligned us and that too in India. On top of that, the Daily Mail advised him to count his fingers after shaking hands with the top man. Why blame the poor players who just are doing what people are doing from positions of power? Talking of the Grand Vizier, he has pulled off a £700 million deal for British Aerospace with India! What do you think the Indians will do with those jets? So, ma’am, who is the greater criminal? Is it these boys or the one who sells death and destruction in your name?

Anyway, I am glad that you were not present at Lord’s, as I am sure, it would have upset you no end.

In the end I come to the same conclusion that the worst thing for us was Mr Attlee's decision to leave us to our own devices in the name of the Daddy Ji. As you are aware there are floods, terrorism, calls from Altaf Bhai for  a patriotic, French based, Iranian style, South American type, confused revolution while Nero is still playing his flute even after 2000 years. It is just that the land is a bit further east from Italy and was once the brightest jewel of the raj.

Yours Truly

Jaddi Pushti Ghulam

Dr MAK Raja