Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Alhamdulillah, all the stakeholders are on the same page. Together, we will drive a stake through the heart of the liberal fascism and the foreign inspired secularism. The two negotiating committees met on a nihari breakfast and discussed the serious issues facing the nation such as women’s kabaddi and Jamshed Dasti. The committee noted with satisfaction that the wild tigers, inspired by the BJP and infiltrating across the Sialkot border have been shot and their pelts sent to Raiwind. Imran Khan has said that the Americans do not want peace in Pakistan.

Imran Khan has said that we should disengage from the American war, without disengaging from the Coalition Support Fund and USAID. We should engage in a war with the real enemy of the nation, Najam Sethi who stabbed us in the back and Iftikhar Chaudhry who stabbed us in the inner tube. 

The Sandwich of Islam, Maulana Samiul Haq said that timing is all important. The insurgency can only be controlled if all the national forces are working together. The armed forces are currently overwhelmed because of the marriage season in the country. All the marriage halls, confectionary shops and the military bands are working flat out. The additional burden of an operation can cause overstretch, endanger the integrity of the country and seriously compromise the supply of pastries.

He, however, expressed the desire to involve the authoritative powers, including General Kayani and Madame Tahira in the negotiations. He said that there are seven lakh residents in the North Waziristan, who will be in grave danger of displacement, in case of a war. The army should do what it does best, i.e real estate. They should leave the insurgency to Madame Tahira to sort out. Their time of course will come during the rehabilitation phase, when the demobilised Waziri youth can be employed in the building of a cantonment in Miranshah and a corn flakes factory in Dera Bugti. 

There will off course be many more opportunities for employment when jihad is resumed across the Line of Control and against the Indian Cricket Board. A time will come, inshallah, when Raymond Davis, Narendra Modi and Srinavasan will be brought to justice and the world will be rid of the international terrorism by the Big Three. 

The committee agreed that Veena Malik has a role to play. As soon as she returns from her pilgrimage to Khaleej Al-Washington and Ain Al-London, she will be invited to address the joint houses of parliament and asked to give a lecture on the most rapidly spreading religion in the world. (Cricket). She will also describe the best techniques to survive in the harsh glare of the cameras with strategically placed tattoos. She will visit Maulana Fazlullah in a Stealth® Abaya, and make it clear to him that the negotiations can only take place within the ambit of the constitution. She will make it clear to him that peace can only come if he agrees to the appointment of women imams and the free airing of the Big Boss show. 

The enemy should not underestimate the resolve of the fauji band, nor its ability to perform to the highest standards of the garrison marriage hall.

Onward to Miranshah via Hangu.