Extraordinary Rendition  

Hakim Hazik

I think both the Mirs had ample warnings. Hamid was shown the burning cross, time and again, by the patriotic circles. He was sent text messages, anonymous calls from easily traceable numbers, bullets in an envelope and even a bomb under his Honda. He willfully and criminally neglected to reform his ways. He continued to whine about the traitors who disappear from their homes, inflict on themselves horrific injuries, kill themselves and dump their own bodies in public thoroughfares, just to malign our valiant armed forces.

He also wrote about renegades who have the habit of disappearing from court premises and reappearing in roadside ambulances, in a state of suspended animation, falsely described by this public enemy as dead. 

They are our misguided brothers but at the same time agents of RAW and depending on the frame of mind we are in, we will either fight them or protect them against drone attacks. Our frame of mind, in turn depends upon who plays football with the heads of our soldiers and whether the Coalition Support Fund is suspended or flowing. When a butterfly flaps its wings in the Congress, Jordanian doctors blow up in Khost. As is well known, dear viewers, this is called the Butterfly Effect. 

Shakil Sahib can not complain either that he was not warned. He can live in Dubai, but his reporters will have to report from Sohrab Goth. He has deliberately made it difficult for the patriotic circles to reach him. Therefore the only way to send him a coded message is through lodging bullets in ungrateful abdomens. This is the ingenious system devised by the Signals Corps, apart from bombing the cable operators. 

I have invented investigative journalism and my articles have been published in the world’s leading newspapers. I have served my institution with loyalty and with utmost dedication over the past thirty three years; including in the past thirteen years in high falsetto. 

I opposed the Kerry Luger Bill by having apoplexy on live TV and producing copious amounts of foam at the mouth. Alhamdulillah, my efforts bore fruit and the Whitehouse approved a rider, which allowed our nuclear programme to continue for the purposes of maintaining a minimal strategic deterrent and the American tax dollars to be used for this noble and edifying purpose. 

The viewers will also remember my contribution to the Lawyer’s movement. I opposed the restoration of Justice Chaudhry during the patriotic government of Brother Tinpot. As soon as he was forced to leave by ungrateful and unthinking politicians, I exposed the misdeeds of Justice Chaudhry, including his embezzlement of toothpaste from the Quetta Pharmacy. 

For me, Dear Viewers, serving the truth takes the highest priority. I will continue to bring my viewership, investigative stories, in depth analysis, and breaking news, remaining loyal at all times to the Ideology of Pakistan and with a sense of responsibility to Allah, the most benevolent who is our creator and Colonel Sahib, the most vigilant who is my handler.

May Allah and the Most Sensitive Agency protect us from all evil.