Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

We are sorry to inform you that Peace Process is dead (1979-2013). He was born Jamshed Mehsud in Kotkai in 1979. He spent his formative years in Hangu attending the world famous Academy of Peace Studies, Jamia Suicidia. He became a master of the express and the hidden disciplines of knowledge in the glorious tradition of the Wifaq ul Madaris. His schooling instilled in him an insatiable desire to establish and promote interfaith dialogue among the great religions of the world including Ahle Sunnat wal Jamaat and Ghazwa e Hind.

He was only 9 years old when the national hero and icon, General Mustache ul Haq was raised to jannah, leaving his jawbone for the Ummah to remember him by. This had a lasting impression on the young mind so that he changed his name to Zulfiqar and then to Hakimullah. He also became interested in aviation technology. This attraction was mutual, as the aviation technology became interested in him, sending him Predator missiles on special occasions. 

He won various awards in international air shows for himself and for his organisation, including the prestigious FTO award by the State Department. The peak of his illustrious career came when he authorised the gun attack on the RAW agent and the servant of the western imperialism, Malala Yusufzai who, to this date has failed to explain why the Jews did not come to work on 9/11. She was secretly working for sinister anti Islamic organisations including Birmingham City Libraries, the Elders of Zion and the Poppy Appeal. 

This service to the nation and the Ummah catapulted the unassuming and shy leader on to the world stage. As Malala acquired her titanium skull in Brimingham, Hakimullah was given the ultimate accolade possible by the national hope and icon, Imran Khan. Henceforth, he would be called ‘Peace Process’. 

Peace Process went from strength to strength as the complete mastery of the IED technology and video technology was achieved and the bombing of General Niazi was captured on Youtube by Umar Media to technical perfection. 

The nation was at a critical juncture when he was martyred in his own house while he was peacefully planning the role of Lashkar e Jhangvi in the peaceful bombing of Muharram processions. May his soul rest in paradise. May Allah SWT shower his blessings on his unmarked grave. May Allah SWT give solace to his mourners including Syed Munawar Hasan. 

The reins of power have been taken over by none other than the famous Maulana Fazlullah Radio (FM). He has vowed to continue the mission of his predecessor and to develop the broadcasting technology in the service of the Ummah. He is determined to bring back the Swat Valley from the brink of disaster and lead it again to its golden age of sharia rule under the auspices of TNSM. A working group has already been established to bomb the girls schools and the PCB and to rid the innocent people of Swat of the scourge of the decadent western coiffeur. 

Maulana Fazlur Rehman, in the meanwhile, has sent his special envoy and pet dog called Hi-Octane to Syed Munawar Hasan to see if the MMA can be revived to serve the cause of peace and to celebrate the memory of the late Peace Process.

Peace Process is dead. Long live Peace Process.