Transcultural Dialogues

by Hakim Hazik 

(Trrrrrn Trrrrrrrn .........)

Il Leader: Edgware High Street Pizza Shop, Quaid-e-Tehrik ispeaking, via telephonic address, how may I help you?

Customer: Can I order a deep pan, extra large, ultra hot, Sicilian please.

Il Leader: Would you like extra toppings sir, we do from extra hot jalapenos to gunpowder. We also have ispecially imported Hamdard Corporation soup, Takbeer Publications ketchup and Edhi Foundation chutney.

Customer: Do you have any Karachi Bar Kachoomar Salad? The lady who served me the last time said it was good.

Il Leader: That’s the Mrs. sir, I am afraid she is in a black mood, wearing black and waving a black flag over the past week and talking only in Sindhi, eating only black pudding.

Customer: Sorry to hear that, I hope nobody has died.

Il Leader: That is what the neighbours asked her, whether the Leader of the Movement was alive. She said, at one time the earth moved, but now there is hardly any movement at all.

Anyway the Karachi Bar Kachoomar is all finished sir. Could I recommend the house ispecial sir? the Q League goose, well and truly cooked. I am sure you would like it.

Customer: OK then one portion of that. Could you deliver to the usual address?

Il Leader: I will send Dr Benefit Fraud to deliver sir; he had an ispot of trouble with the Works and Pensions Department. Please don’t give him any credit and give him VAT receipts to bring back.

Customer: That’s fair enough.

Il Leader: Can I introduce some of our associated services sir? We have Al-Capone Escort Agency; very competent professionals sir, complete with black suits, dark glasses and lapel microphones, very accurate with their weapons sir, can meet any personal or political challenge. Very reasonable rates sir. Also if you like, try Nine Zero Kneecaps Inc.; Can immobilise the enemy for long periods of time. Then we have Chicago Protection Company; can ensure safety and iscurity of honest businesses, for an ismall fee; and protect them from unscrupulous operators; can also contribute generous amounts to the Movement sir, thus helping to eliminate and wipe out the enemies of the welfare istate sir. In situations of distress, you can call on our  Gunny Bag Funeral Services, well known for their quality of work. We could give you an ispecial introductory offer sir.

Customer: That all sounds impressive. I think we should meet

Il Leader: That would be a pleasure sir, we try to please.