Transcultural Dialogues

By: Hakim Hazik

Teacher Clinton: Hello children, I hope you are well. It is nice to see you after this break. I was away in Mexico. Have you all enjoyed your holidays?

Monitor Holbrooke: Yes madam. Kayani is not back yet. He has got flu.

Mrs. Clinton: O Dear, I hope it is not swine flu.

Holbrooke: No madam, although he is capable of having it, he has not got swine flu. What he has is called Swat flu. Dr Mullen says it can cause a deadly pandemic.

Clinton: Sorry to hear that. Can we ask Dr. Mullen to send him a vaccine?

Holbrooke: Dr Mullen is doing a clinical trial in Farah province. Unfortunately it did not go very well and a hundred and fifty people died. He will be free as soon as the mass grave is ready. He had some success in Sararoga yesterday. He says Swat will be his next target.

Clinton: I hope Kayani recovers soon. What have you go there Asif? You know, you are not allowed to bring pets to school.

Asif: It is only my talking parrot madam ji. It is very friendly. It is called Rehman Malik.

Clinton: What can it say?

Asif: It can say ‘This is our war’

Clinton: How lovely.

Asif: When we found it, it was a very sick parrot. It had just been thrown out of the FIA bird sanctuary. We looked after it. We fed it ‘Oil for Food’ biscuits, made by the famous Aggravated Money Laundering food company. It once tried the ISI biscuits, but it choked and nearly died. Maybe they contained nuts. It is working on ‘Dialogue, Development and Deterrence’ at the moment.

Clinton: You seem to have a black eye. Have you been in fight?

Asif: I am sorry madam ji. I had an argument with Chaudhry. He is the big bully in section J. He wanted his chair back from me. Although I had never taken it off him. It was Musharraf he should have been fighting. I still have my NRO piggy bank though. It is worth two billion. There is no way he I will let him lay his hands on it.

Clinton: Be careful in future. Head master Obama does not like punch ups. He may ground you as well as Chaudhry, if you do it again and Kayani will end up having the chair. What about you Qureshi? You seem a bit quiet. Have you been fighting with Pasha again?

Qureshi: He has been talking to CIA. I have told him to lay off. She was my friend first.

Clinton: There there. You should not be fighting over girlfriends yet. You are too young for that. This can also bring the school a bad name.

Haqqani: This is the best school of all Madam. I love every minute of it. So does Frahnaz. Don’t you Farahnaz?

Farahnaz: (Fluttering her eyelids) Yes Hussein, this is a lovely lovely school. We do not have those horrible Khan Sisters in this school. I would never want to see them again. I hope they never come to this school. Don’t you agree Hussein?

Haqqani: I do, I do.

Clinton: Let’s start today’s lesson children. Today’s lesson is called ‘Democracy’. Democracy is system in which nice people chose their own governments. Some people are not nice. They need help with democracy. Some governments are nice, and ready to help. America is the best government in the world. We love America. Please repeat after me.

Children: We love America.

Clinton: America can help by providing nerve gas like it did in Halabja. It can provide Agent Orange, as it did in Vietnam. It can help with white phosphorus, as it did in Fallujah. It can provide depleted uranium, as it did in Iraq. It can provide Daisy Cutters, as it did in Afghanistan. To establish democracy in the world, we have to win this war. This is our war. Please repeat after me.

Children and Parrot: This is our war.