Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

Some say it was Maulana Barrel who started the drum rolling. Others blame Swat or even New York. However over the years it has found its way into the popular imagination and become a part of the mass culture, so that in every household, young people aspiring to make a mark on the world are training for martyrdom missions.

The regional director of UNICEF Mullah Mohammad Sangin, has said in a press conference in Mir Ali that the coverage of polio vaccine is still patchy, however the coverage of RDX is approaching 100% and very soon all parents will be able to afford the highest quality martyrdom vests as the region takes rapid strides to achieve the Millennium Development Goals. Under the direction of the WHO, the supply of milk powder is to be phased out due to the well recognised health hazards and to be replaced with gun powder.

It is the duty of all faithful to rally around the holy Oil Pipeline and lay down their lives for the preservation of True Faith and Private Enterprise. Nothing should be allowed to impede the flow of the Holy Oil from the Holy Peninsula. The blessed fossil fuel is, indeed the lifeblood of the Ummah and nourishment for Community of the Faithful. It guarantees success in this world and the next. O Community of the Faithful, send salutations to the OPEC Reference Crude and pray to the Lord of the Universe that it appreciates rapidly in true dollar terms.

The Riyals earned are invested on a profit and loss sharing, Sharia compliant basis to the prestigious institutions of learning which are now numerous in the blessed Republic of Af-Pak including the United Arab Emirates of FATA; (Lord be praised). Learned teachers imbued with a spirit of Enlightenment teach their young wards the deeper meaning of Creation and modern techniques of mass slaughter.  The world is waiting for these stalwarts to graduate so that they can go forth and save the mankind by unfurling the banner of the True Faith where it truly belongs, such as on the Red Fort and the Taj Hotel.

One would be sorely amiss not to mention the nucleus of the Islamic Renaissance that is now emerging in the south of Punjab. The teachers and philosophers in the tradition of Ghazali and Farabi are moulding the character of the youth so that they bring honour to the Ummah and root out such evils as 20/20 cricket, non percussion music and university education and promote healthy pastimes such as hijacking of the infidel aircraft to the universal capital of the Ummah and the IEDs, the seat of the Caliphate, the city of Qandahar.

Talking of the Maulana, he was the celebrated chairman of the Jugular Committee. Contrary to expectations, he had excellent relations with the Arch Enemy. If fact he and the Arch Enemy have both overtaken the True Friend in their growth rate; so much so that the Moody’s have upgraded his personal credit rating to BBB. (Wonderbra has done the same).

Things are definitely looking up for the Ummah.

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