Extraordinary Rendition
By: Hakim Hazik
This is a live transmission from the Mehsud International Airport, formerly Benazir International Airport, formerly Islamabad International Airport. Our most honoured guest, his Excellency Mullah Abdus Salam Zaeef, the special representative of the Caliph of Islam, Mullah Mohammad Omar will shortly disembark from his donkey cart. Two children dressed in traditional attire and suicide jackets will present him bouquets of flowers.
This transformation in the fortunes of the Ummah was made possible after the sharia compliant martyrdom action in the Moon Market, the crumbling of the satanic resistance and the triumph of the Faith over the lands of Af-Pak. Very soon these lands will expand and become the lands Af-Pak-Ind-Chin. The ministry of Implementation of Virtue and Prevention of Vice will rid the world of sin, lies, infamy, music and cricket.
One of the first actions of the new regime of the faithful has been to erect scaffolding on the Constitution Avenue where the enemies of the Caliphate will be hung every morning till 11 o’clock, after being beheaded by careful, compassionate and pious executioners, specially brought in from the holy city of Qandahar. They will be accommodated in the parliament lodges of the now defunct parliament.
It is hope that the parliament houses will soon be converted to a world class madrassah and a university. The Caliphate is keen to encourage discussion on pressing issues of modern jurisprudence such as the length of beards and trousers for men, the optimal position of the body and the nature of the restraint applied when flogging women and newly emerging technologies to maintain ablution from dawn till dusk.
A thorough examination will take place of the techniques recommended by established jurists for the execution of heretics and apostates including those who indulge in the execrable routines of democracy, practice the so called law of the now defunct pre-caliphate courts and send their girls to school to acquire corrupt and decadent pre-caliphate education.
The so called freedom of the media has been regulated. Freedom has to be within certain limits, we cannot allow attacks on the fundamentals of the Caliphate. From now on the only political comment allowed will be by Hazrat Zaid Hamid, the greatest jurist exegete of modern times. He is the only person in the gaggle of so called anchors who is not swayed by petty considerations of logic, rationality and sanity when discussing weighty issues facing the Ummah.
Hamid Mir on the other hand will have to acquire further education in the Institute of Modern Journalism in Tora Bora before he can apply for the reinstatement of his talk show. The rest of the anchors will be redeployed to martyrdom missions. (Female anchors will be redeployed to the harem of Caliph Sahib.)
Mullah Sahib will hold detailed discussions with Maulana Masood Azhar, the Governor of the province of Indus Basin on the thorny issue of tobacco. There is disagreement on the best method of consuming this divine gift. The scholars of the Hindukush Province recommend tucking it under the cheek, whereas Maulana’s Government is currently keen to pursue inhalational use for the faithful. These difficulties are however likely to be resolved in a brotherly fashion.
The green standard of the faith will be unfurled on the Red Fort, as it has been on the Red Mosque.
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