Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik 

Pakistan is a country of outstanding natural beauty. It has a sprawling, languid coastline, ideal for conducting gun running operations; some of the world’s highest mountains, home to world’s leading financiers and public intellectuals, such as Mr Bin Laden and Mr Al Zawahiri; metropolitan cities with world class hotels, ideally suited for truck bombing.  

Pakistan provides unrivalled opportunities for business and entertainment. Here is a brief profile of the country.  

Imports:

Pakistan’s main imports are prime ministers. They have traditionally been imported from the USA. USA also offers very good quality foreign, defence and economic policy and therefore these are imported at competitive rates.

Other imports from this country include State Department officials, F16 aircraft, blue jeans, blue films and kicks on the backside. There has been a shortage of the kicks on the backside because of the credit crunch, however because of the deteriorating humanitarian situation, the Congress has approved an emergency bill, and a special envoy, Mr. Holbrook has been appointed to deliver them personally.  

Other trading partners include Saudi Arabia, which is the source of cheap oil, international terrorists, qurbani meat and national ideology. Trade with India is growing. Bollywood movies are the bedrock of this trade. Some unscrupulous operators try to smuggle dangerous items such as secularism and democracy, but our security forces are always vigilant  

GNP: 

Pakistan’s GNP has grown in the recent years. The main product is national sovereignty, which is mainly produced for foreign markets. It is exported mainly to the USA, but also to the brotherly countries such as Saudi Arabia and China.  

Exports:

Due to the recession, the traditional textile exports have taken a hit. However the Pakistani industrialists have come up with innovative solutions. They are producing value added goods such as suicide jackets, for the domestic and foreign markets. Other innovations include designer shuttle cock burqas for world famous labels. We also export highly purified Afghan heroin to Europe, world beating 10 year old camel jockeys to the UAE, slave labour to Saudi Arabia, junior doctors to the UK and millionaires to the USA.  In the recent months our main export has been foreign exchange to Dubai.  

Religion:

Islam and cricket have been the traditional religions. Recently, however, the influence of a new religion called ‘politics’ has been growing very rapidly. This has been aided by a new religious ceremony called ‘TV talk show’.  More worrying however is the growth of a dangerous cult called the ‘The Rule Of Law Movement’. This sinister ideology has become popular with young people and professionals, especially lawyers and poses a grave threat to the integrity of the nation. The authorities in Pakistan are doing their best to cope. Fortunately, they can count upon the help of the international community, especially our long standing and tested friend, the USA. A spring offensive is planned by the Movement but the Government and its international partners are ready to deal with any challenge.  

Culture:

The most celebrated folk cultural event is the military coup d’etat, and the speech by the new national saviour, the army chief. It is usually full of vim and vigour although makes light of the rules of grammar. If you are lucky you may get to see it when you visit Pakistan.  

See Pakistan. See light upon light, coup within coup.  

PTDC

Pakistan Tourism Development Corporation  

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