Extraordinary Rendition

Hakim Hazik

Nahmadoo hoo wa nusalli ala...

Meray Aziz Hamwatno,

Do you know the fifth kalma? I know that and the names of the 124,000 prophets. This is the least you can expect the candidate to know if you want them to represent you for a period of full five years in the national assembly where major decisions will be made which will affect our destiny for long years to come.

How can you expect a candidate to solve the energy crisis if he has on his body, hair that are more than a grain of millet in length, in clear violation of the article 62? Do you want him to be flopping about in long trousers with the ankles completely concealed? This will invite the wrath of God and Islamabad, like Baghdad, will be sacked by hordes of Tartars emerging from the steppes of Rawalpindi. 

Those who are sadiq and amin and recite dua e qanoot to the satisfaction of the returning officer have nothing to fear. They will have the full backing of the Election Commission and the Supreme Court. They can go for a holiday to Monte Carlo, straight after the elections, with an educational grant from the Jalalat Ul Malik, Malik Riaz. They will be allowed, for this sabbatical, up to four pious, sharia abiding, female travel companions, for the purposes of collective prayer and meditation in Cote d’Azure. 

Pakistan is surrounded on all sides by dangers. The enemy is knocking at the gates of Chak Shehzad. Only the collective recitation of Ayat ul Kursi by the joint session of the parliament, led by Musarrat Shahin, can ward off this evil. 

The next parliament will have to face many challenges. Not the least among them will be the exodus of the NATO containers and how to divert them to the GHQ to strengthen the Ummah and to partake of the latest bounties of Allah (SWT), such as night vision goggles and designer lingerie. Only those dedicated to the ideology of Pakistan can be expected to perform this task to a high standard. 

The people who have been passing off fake university degrees as genuine, have done irreparable damage to the country. They will be sent to prison one by one, so that they will come to remember their maternal grand mother. Instead, the real benefactors of the nation such as Malik Ishaq will be honoured by the court. Nearer the election, they will be released to serve the community to eliminate those who are posing, fraudulently, as sadiq and amin whereas they are liberal fascists implacably opposed to the ideology of Pakistan. Whilst in custody, Malik Sahib and his colleagues will be given a stipend up to the amount prescribed in law by cousin Rana Sana Ullah, commensurate with their services to the nation. 

As soon as the scrutiny of papers is complete, the creme de la creme of the sadiq and the amin, such as Malik Ishaq, Maulana Ludhianivi, and Maualna Azhar will get into a Land Rover driven by Fakhroo Bhai and to the Adiala Jail where they will kiss the hem of the prisoner of conscience, Malik Mumtaz Qadri and pray for his early release so that he can despatch the non sadiq and non amin with thirteen bullets in the back. Inshallah.