In the Court of Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Jalalat ul Mulk, the Servant of the Two holy Harems, the Pillar of the Ummah, the Shadow of God on earth, the Purveyor of Deferred Payments,

It is my great good fortune to be sitting at your feet in the holy month of Ramadan and soaking up the benedictions and the blessings of Allah that flow from your palace. In this month when Satan and the IMF are bound, all the Somali witches are captured by the crack troops of the committee for promotion of virtue and prevention of vice, all the Bangladeshi trouble makers are beheaded by virtuous, law abiding executioners and all the insurgents in Bahrain are crushed by the valiant soldiers of the Kingdom, who would not consider himself lucky to be learning the secrets of statecraft and polygamy by a practitioner, no less than Your Majesty.

Dear Brother in Islam, 

A lot of oil has flown on deferred payment, since I left the Saroor Palace. Your servant now sits on the Prime Ministerial seat in Islamabad, in addition to sitting at your feet in this holy month. Brother Mursi sits in the comfort of a Sharia abiding dungeon and Brother Adnan Rashid sits pretty after striking a blow for the Ummah in the tradition of Brother Mahmood of Ghazni and Shaheed Ajmal Qasab of Faridkot. 

Unfortunately, the seat of the Province of Peshawar has fallen to people who reject the message of Islam and hold partners with Allah. These misguided people, led by the apostate, Imran Khan, spread infamy and disorder. They will Inshallah be brought to heel by the armies commanded by Rana Sanaullah and Malik Ishaq so that the deviation and the burger fitna afflicting Islam will be brought to an end. 

Your Holiness, 

I agree that the gas from the South Pars gas fields should not be poisoning Muslim house holds. For this to happen, we need the supertankers to keep plying between Dhahran and Bin Qasim and the IMF kept at bay by the solidarity of the Ummah in face of Zionism and with the help of creative accounting, under the able leadership of Brother Ishaq Dar. 

O Leader of the Ummah, 

I feel it is important that we increase the cultural contact between the two nations so that people can come together. My government will open an International Islamic University in every city where modern techniques to combat the menace of witchcraft will be researched and developed and the misleading teachings of the evolutionary theory and philosophy will be countered by scholars like Allama Bin Baz, who has proven that the earth is flat and the mankind can only be saved by four marriages and 33 concubines for every man in a position of responsibility. 

During our term in office, Your Majesty, we will also build a bullet train to Bukhara, on which Naseem Hijazi and Dr Bashir ud Din Mahmood will travel to Central Asia and will take a message of the pristine glory of Islam, as well as sharp edged swords to behead the apostates and designer label abayas to clothe the expanded harem of the Ummah. 

Peace be on those who follow the path of virtue.