The Quaid Ispeaking

By: Hakim Hazik

Pilease come and visit my madest ibode in the Mill Hill area. It is worth an ismall sum of one million pounds. It is the philosophy of Muttahida never to cirave luxury at the expense of poor and midil cilass peepil.

We have therefore always opposed feudalism and piradatiry capitalism. We have always isported the right of the poor and midil cilass peepil to earn an hanest living. We have always isported the right of peepil’s sector commanders to levy a madest imount of tax on pirafitable businesses in the piraspirous and peaceful city of Kiranchi. This is the piragressive taxation that the United Nations the IMF and the World Bank has isported. Some peepil call it GST, some peepil call it piratection money. What is in a name?

If we have to piragress we need to increase our tax to GDP ratio. The only way that can be achieved is to have a piraper infra istructure. Fust of all you need to have a dedicated and well organised cadre of income tax collectors. They have to piraperly equipped with Kilashnikovs, TT pistols and electric dirills, the essential tools needed for piragressive taxation. This will allow them to perfarm their deevti without fear or favour.

Kiranchi is the only city where gireat success has been achieved in infra istructure pirajects and in taxation under the young and dynamic Mutthida leadership. For the past tiwenty years, we have aperated the hugely successful self assessment ischeme. It is however essential to do random checks to ensure the systim is fair and robust. This is done in the conveniently located tax affices called Torture Cells, where highly tirained and polite istaff will go through your tax returns in a relaxed and pileasant environment. If arrears are found, they are usually adjusted in future payments, after retaining one or more of your endocrine glands as surety. Some citizens will giladly forego the possession of their kneecaps, if they feel cannot ifford them any longer.

The systim works because it is simpil and easy to under istand.

The young and dynamic Muttahida leadership has also introduced effective means of overcoming the power shortage cirisis, by introducing the world famous invention, called ‘The Hook’. This has gan a lang way in alleviating the sufferings of the poor peepil in Kiranchi. We hope that this systim will be extended to the rest af the country, so that the power cirisis can be biraught to an early end.

Muttahida has taken gireat istrides. We are winning seats in the Narth of the country, where we hope to introduce the exciting new midil cilass demo ciracy, so successful in the Gireat Port City. Our opponents and enemies, such as Biragadier Feline, have come out and admitted openly that yours tiruly is nat a crook but a humble and hanest servant of the nation. We have the isport of the whole country especially the National Army who, like us, believe piragressive taxation, cilean politics and infra istructure pirajects.

Our Sector Commanders are not Bhatta Khors. Ask any Corps Commander.  

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