Extraordinary Rendition
Hakim Hazik
A massive gathering of the faithful was held in Chenab Nagar, (formerly called Rabwah) where the mujaddid of the 3rd millennium, Mufti Muneeb ur Rehamn, (formerly called Malika Pukhraj), said that he can now see the moon with his own naked eyes. He swore that after laser surgery his vision was 20/20 and he could recognise the crescent moon from each side of the Durand Line and could spot any danger to the Ummah from a different planet. He said that astrophysics was a danger to the Ummah and rotation of the earth has been conclusively shown to be false by Allama Bin Baz, may Allah give him paradise.
He said that Islam is a religion of peace and all those who challenge this view should be hacked to pieces, just like the Somali witches and Bangladeshi bonded labour in the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia. Special training sessions should be arranged on how to catch the witches. He said he is happy to compete with Maulvi Intiqam Ilahi Zaheer on live TV in a witch catching competition.
He claimed that Our Lady of Shehla Raza, of the Order of Inquisition, had appeared in his dream and has given him the assurance that he will rise with Allama Bin Baz on the day of Judgement. In addition, Rev. Sung Myung Moon had also appeared in his dream and given him the glad tidings that Ghulam Ahmed Billour’s success was temporary and he will lose again in the General Election and that he will lose the license of his cinema before he loses his voice.
Maulana Abdul Ghafoor Haidri said that the appointment of an apostate, as the advocate general of Pukhtunkhwa (formerly Pukhtunkhwa Zulu Natal), was unacceptable, whereas he welcomed the re-election of the first Muslim American President. He said he will soon launch a mass movement. There was immediate speculation that he was referring to his bowels and the delegates retired expeditiously to a safe distance, to the megapolis of Faisalabad, (formerly called Lyallpur).
The star of the congregation was Dr Aamir Hamaqat, PhD, (Brotne International Uninversity, via correspondence course). He said that foul play and foul language is fair in love and war. He said he will soon announce the initial public offering of his company which will transform the trade of children in the national and international market, and give a boost to the diminishing foreign exchange reserves. He said we will insha’allah break the begging bowl and force the IMF to accept that Maya Khan is an impostor.
Unfortunately, the famous poet and philosopher of the east, Veena Malik could not make it to the meeting. Her keynote address was read by the Pir of Baseerpur. She conveyed her best wishes to the conference and said that in her forthcoming movie she raises fundamental questions about the nature of existence and the achievement of paradise through body paint, artfully rendered to highlight the ephemeral nature of stardom in Bollywood.
She praised the conference in their efforts to preserve the natural habitats of Dajjal, Yajooj and Majooj.
She conveyed her heartiest felicitations to all Muslims on the anniversary of the Apostatisation Law.