By: Hakim Hazik

On behalf of the ISI, we welcome you to the biggest jalsa since the Pakistan Resolution was passed. This conference is fully supported by the Armed Forces of Pakistan, including Anjuman e Sipah e Sahaba, Lashkar e Taiba and 313 Brigade.

The people you see here today were totally opposed to the Pakistan Resolution but fully supportive of the Objectives Resolution.We are lucky that the misguided people who were present in that jalsa of 1940, are all finally dead and this great country had a chance to find its true course and destiny. Ummah has taken great strides.

Maulana Samee ul Haq is heir to the rosary and lota of Maulana Husain Ahmad Madni, who declared people like Jinnah beyond the pale. He has developed the new Pakistan Miltary Academy in Akora Khattack. As we all know, the PMA in Kakool was not fit for purpose and cadets were grossly deficient in maintaining the length of facial and body hair compliant with the standards prescribed by the Sharia and thus making the whole Ummah the laughing stock of the world.  

All citizens are welcome, as long as they are not women, Ahmadis, Shias, liberal fascists, peasants, laborers and LGBs. Ts are welcome if they have the new and improved NADRA  card as ordered by the Supreme Court. 

This is the land of the pure and no impurity will be tolerated. All citizens including Shias have complete freedom to practise their creed as long as the submit to the will of Allah and Sheikh Mohammad bin Abdul Wahhab. 

On this esteemed occasion, we want to warn the Americans, that if the cast their evil eye on Pakistan, that eye will be plucked out and preserved in a glass jar in Muridke. We are a great nation. We believe in Allah(SWT), China(PRC) and the apostle of the heavens and the ISI, the great white hope Imran Khan and the supremacy of PTI. 

Now, if you sit in your chairs and hold on to them firmly,  a message will be read from Imran Khan:

‘Dear members of the Jalsa,

‘I want to make it very clear that America is the enemy, except when I go there to collect the dollars from the faithful. I hold Hafiz Sahib in greatest respect, so that I can not pronounce his name because of the awe he inspires in me. I will continue to kiss his hem till I am in power, except when I speak to Karan Thapar when I will accept that I am scared shitless. I will therefore not send drones to Muridke or to Chauburji, till I am the Prime Mininster. At that time the evil American drones will enter the fold of Islam and Hafiz Sahib will make an exit to join Brother Ilyas Kashmiri in Jannat al Firdaus. 

‘I also hold General Hameed Peabrain Gul in greatest respect. He is the greatest brain that the ISI has ever produced. With his leadership and his wisdom we will soon vaporize the planet and achieve the everlasting jannah, under which will run streams of fresh water, free from the reach of treasonous Indus Basin Treaty and where Maulana Ludhianvi will recline against silken bolsters and be proffered  salubrious drinks by pubescent boys wearing martyrdom vests only.  

(Leaders link their hands together and hold them high; collective prayer, where all cry, overcome with emotion)