Letter from Brother Abdullah

Hakim Hazik

Ya Akhi,

We are in receipt of your missive and the dromedary which is in the prime of youth and no doubt, is the pride of her race. She camels and women should be protected from the vagaries of time and the harshness of elements. They should be kept in protected stables and harems and provided tender grass and loving care. We thank  you for your tribute. Jazakallah.

Dear Brother,

History is full of examples when trouble makers and enemies of Islam have taken law into their own hands. They should be dealt with according to the letter and spirit of the noble sharia which commands us to wage jihad against them till they are vanquished and strike them with the edge of the sword till they are decimated. 

Ya Habibi, 

I would advise you to hire the noble, pious, circumcised, French gendarmerie and station them inside the containers parked in the Faizabad Chowk and on the Islamabad Expressway. When the muezzin calls for the evening prayers, they should fall upon the enemy and overpower them with the help of their faith and of stun grenades. The infidels will have their little schemes but Allah’s schemes will prevail.

There is no doubt that Syeda Mazari and Syeda Qasuri have violated the imperatives of sharia by exposing their faces in public and talking shamelessly in front of the non mahram cameras. They should be confined to their domiciles so that they do not run the perilous risk of losing their faith and compromising the honour of their families. We think it will be ideal if they are housed with the Princesses Jawahar and Sahar in the comfort of a royal palace. 

I have seen your pictures from the march past with Brother Raheel. It is obvious that you have not opened your bowels since the last Independence Day. I hope that the fireworks will help. I sincerely hope that Brother Raheel is not planning an enlightened and moderate  laxative, or a Majils e Shoora laxative or a Basic Democracy laxative. I have been told by my resident house brigadier who hails from the SSG, that these remedies are common in the Republic. May Allah SWT have mercy on your bowels and let you have a safe and hygienic movement. May Allah have mercy on your behind and keep it firmly applied to the prime minister’s seat and save it from the cold steel of Brother Raheel’s revolver. 

All said and done, Dear Brother, I think you should keep a Puma under tarpaulin for any contingencies. No, no, not the stuffed one you keep in Jati Umra, but the kind that can fly you to Bagram in forty five minutes and thence to Jeddah in the cosy and idyllic settings of the Saroor Palace. There is a collection of world dignitaries to mingle with, some of whom are still alive such as Brother Ghannooshi and Brother Saleh. The dead ones are stuff of the legends, such as Brother Edi Amin and Yours Truly. 

Do you fancy a reunion?

Your Brother in Islam,

Servant of the Two Harems,

ABA Aziz