Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

We believe that begging is against the national character and undermines our self respect as a nation. We have therefore broken the begging bowl. We think however, that mugging is in keeping with the national character and aspirations and promotes our geo-strategic depth. 

We therefore, being highly cognizant of the current world environment, and in line with ethical international considerations, will block the NATO traffic from time to time. This will allow the a natural business model to develop which will be efficient, and supportive of the global war on terror. Our crew of drivers are very supportive of being shot by the intelligence agencies and their allies and burnt alive, along with their vehicles, so that we can support our international partners. 

We believe that commercial and business enterprises set free through this policy will by in the interest of the nation and of the Ummah and will promote international peace and harmony. Some of the drivers will end up in roadside ditches, but as a trade-off, some of us will end up in the Fortune 500. We think this would be a worthy aim to pursue. 

Using the Coalition support funds, the IMF tranches for structural adjustment, the foreign exchange earned from the NATO containers, the consumer goods marketed through looting thereof, the Benazir Income Support Fund and the Sasti Roti scheme, we will build a commonwealth of the Central Asian states. This is holy grail of the Ummah and our intelligence agencies, and after a herculean struggle, seems to be within our grasp. 

Next time Admiral Mullen is in town, we will tell him in clear and unequivocal terms, not to interfere with our strategic depth, as it is deeply inscribed in the national psyche and in our operational policy. We have built our assets carefully and with painstaking attention to their intellectual discipline. They have been our close partners in our own slaughter which is the result of our carefully thought out  policy. 

We have unleashed the hidden energies of the Ummah. Mir Ali is the crucible of human civilization where a new society is evolving, based on high trousers and slitting of revanchist throats, under the able leadership of Dr Zawahiri. Very soon this new society will be implemented in Islamabad and in New Delhi, before it achieves its truly global potential. 

A lot of people have contributed their share and found a place in the heart of the adoring masses in supporting this rebirth. The name of the soldier of the Ummah, the hero of Jalalabad, Gen. Bull springs to mind. This truly Bismarckian pioneer is leading the Ummah towards salvation through strikingly innovative strategies of mayhem and megalomania, ably assisted by his premier acolyte, the strategically defiant, Gen Numskull Beg. 

This has been a truly epical journey. Who would have thought that a poet’s dream will fire the imagination of the whole nation, nay, the whole Ummah in such a way that they will set out to reach for the impossible. We must pay tribute to the great poet philosopher of the East, Allama Dr. Sir Mohammad Zaid Hamid, (May Allah sustain his benevolence). 

The Holy Battle of Ind is about to unfold.