By: Hakim Hazik

We are, without a doubt the most honorable nation on the face of the earth. An attack on our sovereignty will be resisted with all possible means at our disposal. Haqqani Sahib is our knight in shining armour who will demolish the cruel and heartless American imperialism. 

He is the defender of the Faith and the servant of the Strategic Depth, in which we believe with our hearts and with our souls, unto which we hold no equal, to which we prostrate ourselves and from which we seek succour and sustenance. There is only one Supreme Entity superior to the Strategic Depth and that is the Soft Strategic Depth.

It was Daddy Ji Haqqani, who give the glad tidings to President Reagan over high tea in the Blue Room, that the Soviet Union was no more, that the Clash of Civilizations was over and for the world economy to prosper and for Lockheed Martin to get new contracts, a new clash and a new civilization had to be found. It was him who made possible the peresteroika, the glasnost, the demolition of the Berlin Wall, the internet revolution, the New American Century, the Desert Storm, the Freedom Fries and the Arab Spring. We all owe him a debt of gratitude. It is strange that the whole world knows it, except Admiral Mullen. 

Even the Foreign Minister knows it. She has laid it out in clear and categorical terms. Any attack on Daddy Ji or Junior will be considered an act of extreme provocation and we will respond with our strategic assets mounted on Hatf missiles and on Birkin handbags. If necessary, we will eat grass. By the grace of God, half the population is already eating grass. This is a morally and nutritionally sound option especially if flavoured with raw sewage, as in the blessed province of Sind. 

We will sell our children, we will die of dengue hemorrhagic fever, we will drown in foreign seas, trying to cross over into Europe but we will defend Daddy Ji. Our resolve is unshakable, our honour is not to be trifled with. We will borrow from Brother Hu and we will borrow from Brother Abdullah, we will buy F16 aircraft with cash payments and with the new American aircraft, we will fight the new American aggression.  

The stalwart of the Ummah and the Doyen of Soviet Jihad, Imam Charlie Wilson, (D), Texas, had said that Brother Jalal ud Din was ‘goodness personified’. The Interior Minister was paying homage to the memory of Imam Sahib, when he said that the Brother is a son of the soil. To win the soil, you must talk to the son. 

Our faith is growing steadily, matched only by the growth of our population and light years ahead of the growth of our economy. This is the winning formula. Faith combined with IMF dollars, dengue virus, nuclear weapons and a diet of grass will allow us to conquer the world and disprove allegations of nuclear proliferation and spot fixing. This is the formulation which our premier intellectual forum, the Corps Commanders Conference has devised and which the Brain of the Ummah, Maulana Peabrain of Karachi fully approves off. 

Naraaa e Takbeer.