Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik  

My name is Farooq Nike. I am a polo pony. In my spare time, I give legal advice to my owner. He is called Senator Goldfinger. He is rich man, though very modest and unpretentious. He has 1.8 billion dollars, but he keeps them under his mattress. He comes from a long line of aristocrats. He is the Wadera of Nawab Shah, Sheikh of Dubai, Count of Surrey, Mayor of West Palm Beach and Sheriff of Manhattan.  

Not like Nawaz Sharif, who is a small time farmer in Raiwind. His wife runs a post office and a corner shop combine in Park Lane. His father was an ironsmith in Landa Bazaar.  

My Surname is not to be confused with Nike shoes. They are made under franchise by Pakistani entrepreneurs, for export to other countries. Just as Taliban are made under franchise by Pakistani entrepreneurs for export to other countries. Nawaz Sharif and Mazar e Sharif are not to be confused either. Mazar e Sharif was taken over and nearly destroyed by Taliban, before it was liberated by the Coalition Forces. Nawaz Sharif has also been taken over and nearly destroyed by Taliban. He also needs to be liberated.  

Pakistan is full of enterprising people. The main religions are Islam, cricket and politics. The main exports are textiles, carpets, surgical instruments and jihad. Because of recent inflationary pressures, there is a danger of becoming a net importer of jihad. Strenuous efforts are being made to achieve the budgetary export targets, especially in suicide bombings.  

Nawaz Sharif used to love horses, mainly by way of trade; and horseplay, mainly abroad. But his preference has changed to birds, especially parrots. He is very fond of this talking parrot, called Imran Khan, who continuously says ‘Restoration, restoration, restoration’; and an aging parakeet, called Qazi Hussein Ahmed, who has gone hoarse crying ‘Judiciary, judiciary, judiciary’. 

Senator Goldfinger has a number of robust and sturdy mounts to choose from. Thoroughbreds like Babar Awan, who stands 16 hands at the withers, has stamina, craft and cunning, Rehman Malik, who is a master of the dodging game and backtracking, and can confuse the other team, sometimes by pretending to play for them. Then there is Hussein Haqqani, who has pleased Senator’s foreign friends by his smooth action and engaging ways and his willingness to be hand-fed sugar lumps by them.  

For a long time Aitazaz Ahsan was our mate in the Senator’s stables. We played and won many a chukka together. Now, for the past year he has been chomping at the bit. He says that the stables need to be cleaned. I think he is not interested in polo anymore.  All he is interested in is his dainty walk and his self serving prance, in front of large audiences. He says we are living in Augean stables. What are Augean stables? Do you know?  He has acquired this disturbing habit of writing poetry.

He says: 

'PPP sat on a wall

PPP had a great fall

Senator’s horses and Senator’s men

Could not put it together again' 

I think this is disgusting.