Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

The mujahid of Islam, Malik Mumtaz Husain (Chishti, Qadri) was born in Sabzi Mandi Sharif, a borough known for its long line of saints and apostles. He acquired the basic knowledge of Islam in Madrassa Qasabul Ulum at the feet of Maulana Qulaoozi. After qualifying in all the rational and traditional subjects, summa cum laude, and achieving Shahadtul Alimiya (Aaliya) he decided to pursue a career in the Elite Force.

The Elite Force is the foremost sword arm of the Ummah. It has a record of protecting all that the Ummah holds dear, since the days of Mohammad Bin Qasim. The candidates have to undergo a rigorous assessment to pass the entry test which involves a letter writing competition among the local MPs and purely bred broiler chickens for the CCPO. Psychological assessment is also mandatory. All candidates must have an IQ of at least 30.

Once enrolled, they undergo a punishing routine of physical and intellectual training. They are encouraged to take part in cutting edge technology and philosophy meetings, such as the annual meeting in Raiwind. Their skills are honed to a level where they can smell danger to the honour of Islam from several feet and are able to communicate directly (in complex cipher) with the Almighty and the ISI.

It was after one such communication that Malik Sahib found out that the wretched governor of the Punjab was undermining the House of Islam and was in cahoots with Pope Benedict and Sharad Pawar. The Ummah was at crossroads. Urgent action was needed to mount a defence against the depredations of the Catholic Church, the Mossad and the ICC.

Malik Sahib has earned the everlasting gratitude of the Ummah and the garlands from the Rawalpindi Bar. He is currently residing in the sumptuous Attock residence as the national and international honours continue to shower on him.

The Ummah has been very lucky that it has acquired the services of the stalwart of the faith, Ghazi Raymond Davis (Qadri, Chishti). He was born in Virginia and acquired the basic training in the Pagal Valley High, Dumfuk Va. before being enrolled into Darul Ulum Markazia in Langley Sharif, Virginia.

He was the founder and the first imam of the Jamia Hyperion in Florida. Although this establishment has the deceptive appearance of a boarded up store front, it is the epicentre of the Islamic Renaissance in the USA.

The light of faith burned bright in is bosom, ever since he was a child. He wanted to travel across the world to the House of Islam and fight the enemies of the Ummah armed with nothing but a desire for martyrdom, a Glock handgun, a packet of naswar and a 3G mobile phone.

He has struck a massive blow for the Ummah and changed the course of history as he changed the course of traffic on that momentous day in Mozang Chungi, near Bashir Darul Mahi (Beware of the copycats: We do not have any branches). The great son of Islam, Syed Barak Husain Obama has heaped praise on him, by giving him the greatest honour a president can bestow, by calling him a diplomat.

As the messages of praise pour in from the world leaders, he currently receives visitors in the historic residence of Kot Lakhpat.

With these peerless mujahids among us, the future of the Ummah is looking brighter and brighter.

 More articles by Hakim Hazik