The Quaid Ispeaks

Hakim Hazik

Regina Elizabeth

Queen of the United Kingdom and Ireland

Empress of India

Dear Ma’am Ji,

I met the Met Chief Bhai at 5.30 in the morning when he whispered endearments into my ear and asked me to step into the Ford Transit van, equipped will aal maadren conveniences. 

Initially I had thaat that Kate was having another baby and we would be going to the King Edward the Seventh Haspataal. Haooever, I was told that we are heading faar the Wellington Haspataal (South ) and thence to the Iscatland Yard, before we go to the HMP Wandsworth. As expected, there were heralds and outriders so that there was no interruption to the cavalcade and the adoring masses could be kept at a safe distance.

This was very exciting. As you know, I like a bit of cloak and dagger, since the days of the East India Compnee when Charlus Napier Bhai came to Pucca Qila and biraught the message of peace and hope to the peepil of Sind. (More Sinn’d against than Sind)

The matron af the waard welcomed me aan your behalf. She told me that the bilood sample would be drawn before brakefast. She told me that they use a needil and naat a knife to draw bilood. I think this a gireat innovation and I have told the sector commander to take note. I have told the sister, in confidence, that she is exempt firam pirotection payments. 

The haspataals are very progressive in St John’s Wood. I saw a Pakistani brother die of boredom, watching Piresident Mamnoon Husain’s ispeech. They did not use a jute sack to remove the baady. They actually put the deceased (with the head istill ittached) in a wooden coffin. I am amazed at the achievements of western medicine. The Rabita Committee must take note. 

I am islightly miffed becaaz the Met Chief Bhai has taken my telephoon. (The one that looks like an istarfish and sits neatly on the table in Edgware.) This was my piride and jaaye for many many years. I cannot, therefore, address the dharna at Numaish Chaurangi and tell the young young childrens to go home. Can you pilease ask the Met Chief Bhai to return this forthwith, along with the box of coins that I have collected over the years, naoo, worth six lakh pounds. That is what I tell the young sector commanders. If they also save diligently, they will have a nest egg to retire happily to Wandsworth. 

Your Majesty, 

There is the little matter of succession. I think so, it is appropriate that we discuss it. Naoo that Juan Carlos Bhai has istepped down, we should be seriously thinking about it. Charlus is obviously not suitable as he often puts his foot in the mouth. Little Jaraj does same to same. William, I think, is needed in Numaish Chaurangi to quell the unrest in the Empire. That leaves only Yours Tiruly who is overly eager and over here; ready and willing.

What do you think?

Your Layal Subject, 

Quaid e Tehreek

Wellington Hospital (South)

Please to bleep Sister Debbie via Switch Board.