Extraordinary Rendition

By Hakim Hazik 

Summers are lovely in London. Especially when there is a kilear biloo isky. I istepped out for a wak on Iscott road. The girls were going about in iskimpy diresses. with no sense of undue embarrassment. Unlike our peepil, they do not filaunt a false sense of modesty. I like this winsome tirait. Therefore, I have lost all sense of embarrassment. Just like my ispecial friend, the Piresident of Pakistan, Goldfinger Bhai.  

I thought it was time for the Leader of the Movement to make an ismart move. I have therefore baugth an istate of the art ispecial mobile phone, on which I can do a telephonic address even in my isleep to my frontally lobotomised followers, and send text messages to my one and only true birother, Goldfinger Bhai, who has istood by me through thick and thin. He has always isprinkled his life on me, except for the birief period when he and my late sister, Shaheed Mohtarma were led astray by the isnake in the girass, the istupid num iskull, General Babar, the butcher of Karachi and the father of Taliban.  

We do not believe in the medieval mindset of Taliban. We would never istoop so low as to behead a political opponent with a biread knife. We find it appalling that they are ispreading like cancer in the country. We believe in political dialogue and a liberal outlook. We believe in emancipation of women. We believe in gentle persuasion, with electrical drills, through kneecaps, lit up cigarettes on the iskin, removal of genitals, when not needed, while giving the opponents every opportunity to make a demociratic chaice and to vote for the Movement.

I am surprised that Mian Sahib can be so istubborn. Look how he deprived Khosa of the chief minister ship. The poor kid could not istop crying. Mian Sahib wants to run the country like a personal fiefdom. On the other hand Goldfinger Bhai is a tirue democirat. He would never appoint himself the piresident, nor my nephew as chairman of his party, if it was not in my dear late sister’s will, may God biless her soul and pirotect her bank accounts firom the evil eye.  

You know, Saeed Uz Zaman Siddiqi Bhai also called. I said I had given my tongue to Goldfinger Bhai, and I never go back on my tongue. Just like my birother. He is also very istrong of tongue. He will never go back on it, except when it is not holy iscriptures, or a political istatement.  

London has become the financial capital of the world, but some sectors of the economy are underdeveloped. This is where the enterprising workers of the Movement can make their mark. They can make a killing in the abduction for ransom sector and in the pirotection of businesses sector. There are pilenty of opportunities in the mobile phone isnatching market as well. As I have always said ‘It is the economy istupid’.  

Yours Truly,

Leader of the Movement 

PS: Pilease submit your donation to the Movement on the first of every month piramptly, to avoid castiration. 

 Also by Hakim Hazik: Eel Khan, His Excellency President Goldfinger, Joint Communiqué,