By: Hakim Hazik

At last the enemies of Islam have put a bounty on my head. As all the faithful know, it is a very level head. It is a treasure house of all the holy names that will come tumbling out if I undertake the Sufi practice of waterboarding in the famous Cuban khanqah, with the help of my acolytes and disciples from the dargah Langley Sharif.

Tears well up in my eyes when I think of Shaheed Abudllah Azzam. He would be very proud if he knew that Allah SWT has granted us this honour. Alas, he did not live to see this day and fell a martyr to the bomb of Shaheed OBL.

Shaheed OBL would also be mighty proud. He would often reminisce, sipping his Yemeni coffee and having fed his gold fish, the good old days of Afghan Jihad when legendary warriors would roam the rugged landscape of the vilaya of Khurasan and bring down a gunship helicopter after cleaning their teeth with tree bark. God bless the holy tree bark and God bless the Stinger missiles of the holy Operation Cyclone.

Alas, he now feeds the fish in the Arabian Sea as his Yemeni wife sips the coffee in Adyala prison.

It is true that the corps commander of the 10th corps often asks me around for tea. I should add that he talks merely about tea and coffee and not at all about Mumbai or the parliament attack or the Kashmiri pundits.

We support the right of Kashmiris to self-determination. We support their right to implement sharia in the Valley, whip the violators of publicly and throw acid on the faces of unveiled university students in the haloed tradition of brother Gulbuddin Hikmatyar. This is the least we can do to free the Kashmiri brethren from the stranglehold of the mercenary Indian army.

Our mission is purely humanitarian. We have no interest in strategic depth. We want to bring to Kashmir the blessings of the sharia rule as already established in the Islamic Emirate of Orakzai, where those who commit adultery are publicly stoned to death, as the Qazi recites salutations and blessings to the rule of law.

Or the blessings of public beheadings of the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia, where evil Bangladeshi laboureres who have committed violent deeds of aggression against fellow citizens are brought to speedy justice whereas those who can pay the blood money (we accept all major credit cards) and have a Saudi passport are allowed to go home after they have seen the error of their ways.

To the State Department I want to say, let’s forget Mumbai. Let’s talk Manhattan. We need to start a dialogue. A dialogue among civilisations, to make the world a better place. We should not wash our dirty laundry in public. We should work together on a dirty bomb. Therein lies the future of mankind.

H M Saeed,

Muridke, Chauburji, New York.