Letter from Brother Abdullah

By: Hakim Hazik

Dear Brother Nawaz,

We are in receipt of your kind missive and your Christmas card, please accept our greetings and of our subjects on this auspicious occasion. We were pleased to know that you are partaking of the blessings of the Almighty in the holy borough of Southall. There are indeed many rewards which await the faithful; those who stand firm in face of the trials brought on them by the Almighty and those who eschew heretical and dangerous notions such as liberal democracy

As you undertake the journey to the righteous land of Albion, our Royal Air Force has pounded the hearths and homes of the heretics just south of the border in the brotherly country of Yemen. Many of these dangerous and scheming enemies of the faith, including women and children have been eliminated with one fell swoop of the mighty Hellfires^©.

Such is the end that awaits those who introduce heresy and innovations in the holy faith and deviate from the true path outlined for them by our royal household. May God protect the Kingdom from heresy and from Iran. May God protect the soldiers of Islam who belong to sundry states of the United Sates and who are currently billeted in Dhahran Military Base. May God protect these defenders of faith form STDs, PTSD, gay marriages, indiscipline, sand flies and venturing out of Dhahran. May God keep the machines of Lockheed Martin purring and the US economy galloping ahead so that the F16 that defend the kingdom and protect the faith arrive on schedule.

Dear Brother,

You know that we hold dear to our heart, the welfare of the Islamic Republic, especially of the Houbara bustard, the peregrine falcon, the Siberian crane and the Chinkara deer. We are very keen that all the remaining specimens are eaten by our royal household or stuffed to become a part of our museum collection as soon as possible. There is risk, otherwise, of their being consumed by the so called princes and emirs of low birth and low status on the outer fringes of this blessed peninsula. This would be quite an unseemly ending for the assets of the highly esteemed Islamic Republic. We will ensure that this does not come to pass.

Praise be to God, the Hajj season has passed without incidence. There has been no stampede, epidemics of flu from the unclean animal, protests by the uncouth Iranians or occupation of the Harem by the self styled prophets. The help of French commandos has not been needed. We must thank the Almighty for His infinite mercy.

We hope, Dear Brother, that in very near future, brother AZ will have flown the increasingly uncomfortable nest in Islamabad, to tend to the one or two nest eggs he seems to have maintained in banks abroad. Very soon, dear brother, we hope that you will be ensconced on the throne of the Islamic Republic. When this happens, my brother, we will allow you to come and pay homage to us and kiss our hem. We will allow you to bring your harem and your household along to make obeisance. We will be very pleased to allow you to run the satrapy of Islamabad. We will be very pleased to see the standard of the faith and of our Royal Household flying ever higher.

Happy new year to you and looking forward to a long and devoted service from you. 

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