The High Charpai of ISI

By: Hakim Hazik

The shadow of God on earth, Field Marshal Avatar P. Kayani has pronounced in clear and unambiguous terms, that Pakistan will not take dictation from anyone. He was giving dictation to Parliamentary Defense Committee. He was in an expansive mood sitting on his customary charpai, as Chaudhry Nisar massaged his feet in a closed door session which was shown to the media through a crack in the door.

He said that ‘The nation is prepared to face any challenges and that we do not need the American aid. We are already self sufficient in Havana cigars, prepared in joint collaboration in the Kaamra rebuild factory. We do not need the Kerry-Luger dollars. What we need is trade not aid. If the quota restrictions are lifted, we can export to the North American markets, the matchless produce of North Waziristan. Waziristan Textile Mills is a world famous brand. They make intricately designed suicide vests under strict safeguards against child labour. 

‘We have long term interests in Afghanistan. They can only be protected if the Shura is in the saddle and all the Tajiks are dead. Americans only have short term interests. 

‘It all started with 9 / 11. Before that, we were coasting along just fine. Taliban believed in a firm interpretation of Islam, developed in Akora Khatak and a soft interpretation of strategic depth developed in Aabpara East. This involved eradication of narcotics, Shias and graven images in Afghanistan, a task they were pursuing with diligence and with pride under adverse circumstances and under the selfless and non sectarian supervision of the ISI. 

‘Afghanistan can only prosper if the Americans leave and we go back to the glory days of the civil war. For Afghanistan to rise, Kabul needs to be reduced to dust. Jallozai is yearning for the patter of little homeless Afghan feet, weaned on UNICEF food rations and shoulder fired Stinger missiles.

‘Mullahs and Mullen are both out of control. We will move according to our own capacity and our own time table. I have two years left in my time table in my capacity as the Field Marshal. To maintain law and order is not a military but a civilian responsibility. The military’s responsibility is to do the planning and provide direction and to undertake weighty deliberations in the Corps Commanders meetings, in the best national interest. The civilian responsibility is to keep faith, to fall in line, to fall on the sword and to swing from the gibbet, after they have finished attending briefings behind closed doors. 

‘The Operative Hand of the Veritable Arm is about to receive a rap on the knuckles from the cowardly Predators, remotely controlled from a hole in the ground in Nevada. Once this is over and we are back to the swinging 90’s it will be business as usual when the Operative Hand will all its fingers in the Eastern pies. Oh the pleasure of having a gunfight at Charaar Shareef and in the New Delhi Parliament. 

‘The best is yet to come.