Extraordinary Rendition

By: Hakim Hazik

A male never grows old. Dejection is a sin. Have you heard of the dead man rising in Muradabad? Rohu fish allows you to overcome the deficiency of calcium and improves your carnal powers. If only you take the vitamins that I take from Efroze Pharma, you will always stay young and continue to marry highly desirable women separated from highly undesirable men and continue to perform your conjugal duties to the highest standards.

I have already arrested the store keeper, the distribution agents and every body who does not have a brother in the Punjab assembly. We will make an example of these villains. I will kick ass, till I am blue in the face and get hemorrhages from a fully aroused bone marrow. This it the fundamental principal of good governance. Punjab is the shining beacon of good governance, the world capital of kicking ass. 

I have sent a raiding party to PECHS. They will ambush the chowkidar and all the labourers who have not fled already, pin them to the ground, and read them Habib Jalib’s poetry. A hundred people have died. There will be hell to pay. I have already instructed the IG to arrange a police muqabla in Gulshan e Ravi and a public lynching in Sialkot. 

The real problem is not in the PIC, it is not in PECHS, it is in Islamabad. I do not recognize Zardari as the president. How can I accept someone who has squirreled away billions of the taxpayer’s money. Often, when I am cloistered in my humble abode on the Park Lane, priced at a lowly couple of million quid, I think of the poor, the hungry and the homeless of my homeland. Often when I am driving my old fashioned BMW on the bespoke motorway to Raiwind, I am overcome with grief for all my countrymen who still drive Suzuki Mehran, mainly because of the avarice of Zardari who has robbed the country with both hands. 

How can we accept the tainted, Zionist, American money? I had to turn down the 200 million dollars they were offering. If you ask me, this was blood money. A pathetic attempt to make us forget the dastardly attack on Abbott Abad and  loss of the greatest hero of Islam after Sultan Salahud Din Ayubi and Field Marshall Ayub Khan. 

We can not barter away the national sovereignty to buy incubators for babies or to buy equipment for the Drug Testing Laboratory. When I am having physiotherapy in the London Orthopaedics Hospital, I am reminded of national sovereignty. At that point I ring Bhai Jaan in the St Mary’s Hospital where he goes for his angiography. 

We both thank Allah (SWT) a thousand times, that we are not having free medicine from the PIC and at the same time protecting our innocent population from the haraam American money. 

Tomorrow I will start a long march on Islamabad, via Zaman Park. On the way, we will raze to the ground the evil city of Gujrat. We will hang the enemies of the nation, the scheming Chaudhrys  by the lamp posts. (especially Chaudhry Nisar). The revolution is coming. 

Aisay Dastoor ko

Subh e bai noor ko

Main Naheen Manta

MMSS

Chief Minister